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Friday, August 10, 2012

.wedding.

it's a good thing a couple only gets married once.
because i was the worst wedding guest in history last night.
ok, maybe not in history.
and maybe that wedding i went to where i got smashed when i was 21 and kept... well... showing my... yeah. that was worse. yep, ok, so that when i was the worst wedding guest.
let's say last night was the worst in my 30's.
depression was there trying to take place of the hot hubby as my date.
the hot hubby got a call at like 10am yesterday - i cannot do today. i'm overwhelmed. no way i can go to a wedding. i'm a mess. i can't think of what to make for lunch. i'm so angry. i'm just so sad. and on and on.
he showed up way early from work. he saved the day.
i was able to pull it together.
or so i thought.
i was ANXIOUS.
i felt like my insides were trying to jump out of my skin as we drove there.
we got there and a friend who knows was the first face i saw. a little relief.
ok, so if the ship goes down i have a girlfriend who knows by the look on my face and she can whisk me away in the restroom or parking lot or something.
she told me i looked like audrey hepburn. go get a friend who says stuff like that to you. because then you can think - if the ship goes down at least i will look freaking fabulous.
then i realized i could not hold a conversation to save my life.
ugh. hate that.
and of course everyone was asking the same question - "how's the transition from 3 to 4 going?"
ugh. hate that too.
so i grabbed a beer.
and my line became "well, it's crazy and i'm crazy."
people laughed they thought i was witty.
ha. jokes on you, man. really. i'm crazy.
some people did't laugh though. they gave a nervous laugh and said they needed to go get another beer/ water/ go to the bathroom/ their great aunt just died/ etc, so they needed to go to the opposite side of the venue from me.
there was assigned dinner seating.
suck.
so, i'm sitting at this table with all these people i've never met before. except the hot hubby.
and it sucked. i just could not think of anything to say.
people would ask me a question and i just could not think. i'd smile & mumble something that made no sense.
tried to square dance & couldn't focus. (yeah, they had square dancing - how rad is that? how pissed am i that i missed out?)
all night i was a space cadet.
anxious.
confused.
ugh.
i was in a place with a hundred plus people & i felt alone. so lonely.
depression is the worst date. seriously.
worst. truly.
i could not enter into a sweet friend's happiness.
heck, i cannot even enter into my own happiness.

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