Friday, August 24, 2012

.photos & some rambling.

just so very... i don't know...  off this week. i guess feeling off is better than being completely despairing & afraid to make a dinner that involves knives because i think i'll go mental and slice myself, right?
not myself, but this is not new.
cannot sleep. baby has been asleep for an hour & i cannot sleep.
i'm BEYOND exhausted.
i'll be all bright & shiny at the in-law's tomorrow.
i can say this confidently - i just want my momma.
i've had a desire this week to call her, ask her to come over & make it all better.
i would except, well, i know she cannot make it all better.
what happened to those days when she could? sigh.

had a meeting with our pastor today. he asked the question, "is there anything that brings you happiness? any times that you are just in the moment happy?"
good question.
the honest answer - not much. not much at all. BUT there are 4 little people who at times break thru this darkness & fill my heart with complete joy. i love those moments and deeply treasure them.
i ordered some prints and they arrived today. i have absolutely no photos from june. that was the worst month. baby girl was born right at the end of april and by june i was a complete mess. awful, awful. it was memorial day weekend - saturday night - that i started a quick descent.
anyway, i ordered prints because i have tried to be good about taking photos of the girls' summer. as i have tried so hard to make good memories for them despite how i feel.
i want them to be able to look back at this summer & have happy memories. today as i made dinner while feeling like a shell of a human being i gave the older 3 spoons and informed them we were on a cooking show & those were their microphones. after a short bit i just couldn't keep up the fake happy for them anymore, so i handed over hosting duties. "because momma has to really focus on the cooking."
damn this depression. but over my dead body will it ruin every freaking day for my kids. they had a great day. the hot hubby was off and spent the morning with the bigs. and he was around all afternoon to cover for me when i was struggling.
THAT made me happy. hearing them chat away about their great day. ppd didn't completely win today.
seeing smiles in those photos and them making goofy faces made me happy.
seeing the photos of my little baby girl in her first days were bittersweet though. i was ok then.
obviously there was something lurking there that i didn't know of.
but i was truly enjoying her. her sisters. the hot hubby. my life.
and weird, there were some photos in may i took and even july that i just straight up don't remember.
photos of the little muffin that i have zero memory of taking.
i dressed her up cute and posed her on blankets.
but seriously, no memory. is that normal with ppd?
photos of the bigs that i don't remember taking.
so very weird.
in the weird i decided it was a good sign. even on some of the darkest days, i was trying.
trying to enjoy. trying to capture my baby to have memories of what she looked like.
oh, how much i have missed.

sweet little muffin, you are worth all this.
every second.
and one day when this is hopefully all just a memory - i hope you will know i tried to kick the ass of this depression everyday. some days i feel so weary and hopeless...
but you and your sisters and your daddy... you are why i fight.
i will not succumb to this darkness.

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