Wednesday, August 15, 2012

.not awful.

yesterday was not awful! it wasn't great, but it was not awful. it was the best day i've had in a very long time. thank you, Lord! finally!
there were many things that happened that typically bring out rage. but no rage! sad when that's a good day. but, hey, i will take it!
but i realized it was a good day for me at nap time.
(yes, i nap. just about everyday. i'm freaking tired, yo. yes, my house needs dusting & vacuuming & bathrooms cleaned again. and no, i do not care. i'm freaking exhausted all the time. when i get extra exhausted - it's extra not pretty, so i nap. what?)
i nap when the big 3 girlies have nap/ quiet room time. this is also the baby's nap time. baby and i snuggle, she falls asleep & then i fall asleep. yesterday during our little routine i was feeling delighted as i held the muffin and watched her sleep. i was kissing that little sweet muffin forehead, inhaling her scent and listening to her rhythmic breathing and was enjoying it more than i can express.
i realized it was the first time in a very long while i felt an emotion in that way and didn't seem disconnected in some way from the moment. i was all in.
it was awesome.
and then it was over. i was back to that very odd disconnected feeling. not being fully in the moment.
for for those moments it was delightful.
and i'm so grateful it was with the muffin. i love her to pieces, but have not been able to enjoy her as much as i desire & as much as she deserves to be enjoyed by her momma.

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