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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

.i'm shannon doherty.

yes, that was me crying today. in my husband's office. for no reason.
"i'm just soooo sad."
"what can i do for you, ba?"
"i don't know. i don't know what i need. how am i supposed to take care of these kids?"
he looks at  the kiddos. the older 3 are launching themselves off desks while the baby is screaming in the stroller & then stares at me for a moment.
"you might feel like a mess, but you look good."
love him.
***
yes, that was me crying on my porch this afternoon. for like the 100th time today.
the thoughts were coming at me like those freaking dodge balls in p.e. class back in the day.
and my response was pretty much the same - deer in headlights, frozen & thinking "this is [censored]."
"good moms don't need their kids to stay at their moms."
"you can't handle this - this is proof."
"you suck."
"anyone else would be a better mother to those girlies."
then my baby girl coo'ed at me. i looked down and sweet thing was beaming at me.
so oblivious to all that's going on around her.
tears streaming down my face we walked back in the house and sat on the couch.
girlie was full of smiles and sweet laughs for momma.
just what i needed.
i'm not a t.v. gal, but since it was too quiet (any other moms think it's too quiet when the kids aren't home?? you want that quiet so badly, but you get it and its too quiet?)  i put it on. nbc had women's volleyball on. um, no thanks. i needed a laugh. lifetime? no, what if they have some kids went to nana's and died in a car accident movie on? or kidnapped baby movie? or even worse a mom who has ppd and cps comes and takes her kids? no, lifetime could potentially piss me off or send me over the edge.
so i turned on soapnet.
beverly hills 90210 was on.
SCORE!
oh man, the brenda finds a lump serious episode.
extra score.
i so remember this one!
i had stopped crying and baby girl had zonked out in my arms.
brenda was yelling at her mom.
and it hit me. ppd makes me act like shannon doherty.
we all remember her fights with cast members. her meltdowns. her firing from the show. her public scenes. her self destruction. her poor fashion choices. her smeared mascara.
lovely.
thanks, pdd, now i am shannon doherty.

*editor note: i am not hating on shannon doherty, so no offense.

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