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Saturday, August 4, 2012

.diagnosis.

he walked in looking at my chart and talking at the same time.
"what brought you in here today? i see you are 4 only weeks postpartum. you're not in here for the 6 week check-up."
he looked up from my chart. he's not my normal doctor. i'm glad he's looking at my chart. i only have seen him once before. after baby #2. i had to come in at 2 weeks postpartum for a uterine infection. it was good times.when he sees my face his face softens and holds out his hand to me. he knows.
"i want to die."
he grabs my hand and gives it a tight squeeze.
"i want to die. i hate myself. i am a bad mom. my sister is a nurse and she told me to call last week because she thought she saw me going down hill. she said i have ppd. i told her that was total crap. i just had the baby blues. that was thursday."
i'm such an ugly crier. it's terrible. i'm sobbing uncontrolably. snot, mascara, powder foundation. running all over. i take a deep breath. he is such a good listener. i'm thinking it's ok to continue, but i'm not sure.
"then what happened?"
another deep breath.
"saturday we went to my mom's. my baby brother returned from deployment, so we had a family party for him. i felt off, but i thought it was the baby blues."
he just waits for me to continue. still holding my hand. 
"then saturday night very late i was up with the baby. suddenly the pain was too much - i wanted to die. right then. i didn't know if i was going to try to kill myself or what. i was freaked out and woke my husband. i told him not to let me have the baby and don't leave me alone.  it was a mess. i was a mess. i am a mess."
"and has it continued?"
"yes. i cry all the time, get so crazy angry like scary angry and i just want to die. i cannot take what a bad mom i am. anyone else would be a better mommy to my girls. i cannot bear it. they'd be so much better off without me"
i'm completely coming undone.
"first, you are a good mom..."
annnddddd then i was completely gone - over the edge.
"YOU DON'T EVEN FREAKING KNOW ME! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?! I AM NOT A GOOD MOM!!!"
i am full on screaming at this doctor i do not know. screaming in his office at him. i'm so mother freaking angry and enraged at him.
"sweetie, you are a good mom..."
"DO NOT SAY THAT AGAIN TO ME!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!! I AM A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!!"
head into hands. sobbing. 
"did you drive yourself here today?"
i look up. angry kel face is on.
"yes. why? you think i can't drive?!?"
"no, i just wanted to know if someone was here with you.you have postpartum depression. here's what we are going to do. you are going on zoloft and..."
"what if i don't want to?"
i'm a brat. the whole reason i showed up to the appointment was to get meds. i HATED how i was feeling.
"you do want to and you will. you have to. you are on a fast spiral down. too fast."
"i know."
head back in hands. sobbing. 
"it will be ok. i promise. you're doing great. you are here. that is great."
"i am not doing great. i'm going freaking crazy."
"honey, i had a girl in here a couple of days rocking in the corner. she didn't even talk. really, you are doing great. we caught this early. you do have postpartum depression, but you will beat it."

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