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Thursday, July 26, 2012

.you're fine.

claustrophobia.
i had a weird episode after i had kid #2 while in the hospital.
this time it was way worse.
it was the night before we were released.
i started having a hard time breathing, was scared & freaking out.
felt like the walls were closing in on me.
i woke my husband who was asleep in the room on the couch.
i had ripped off my id bracelet & was yelling & crying about how it was too tight. he called the nurse's station right away.
nurse came in.
"you're not allowed to take that off!"
"i am freaking out. it's too tight! i need all these bracelets off me right now!!! please take them off. i feel claustrophobic. i need to get out of here now."
"i need to go ask the charge nurse what to do about your bracelet. it's how we id you with your baby. you're not allowed to take it off."
"what??? i know! i need to get out of here."
i then was sobbing about how i couldn't breathe and needed to get out of there. hubby had gone to get me some water thinking the nurse would help.
"i'm sorry, but you can't leave your baby alone."
because leaving her alone with a psycho mommy is better?????
good grief! when i had baby #2 they dealt with this much better. one nurse came & took the baby stat while another nurse gently got me into bed & made me take a sleeping pill. she told me everything would be ok. breathe. everything is ok.
this nurse told me i was fine & left to go ask the charge nurse about my id bracelet.
so there i was sobbing alone looking at my baby.
it made an impression that i personally think leads me to fighting hard  to make sure i "appear" fine.
when you're well aware you are going crazy & look & act crazy people will tell you that you're fine. a nurse even. at least if you appear fine you don't have to have conversations with people where they tell you that you're fine when you are really sick.
because when you know you're crazy - it's hard to feel like you need to convince people. especially when it's so consuming and dark and scary.

the nurse returned, good news! the charge nurse said she could tape it back on.
i sat there crying as she did. it felt so tight. even though in reality it wasn't.
she told me i was fine & nothing was wrong.
but something was very wrong and i could feel it.

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