Sunday, July 29, 2012


i started blinking to fight the tears.
seriously??? i will not cry.
they have been through enough, i will not cry in front of them today.
i open the pantry for the 65th time in 2 minutes.
"do you need me to pick something, momma?"
"no, baby, you go play with your sisters. i'm just looking."  said with a fake smile hoping that it will make my voice sound happy.
i can feel her staring at me.
i cannot turn around & look, she'll see.
"i can help you, momma."
"i got it. look, see? i put cut up watermelon on the plates already & put crazins on top. they are like little seeds!"
when i'm not a hot mess i like to do funny food stuff. this was a very pathetic attempt to act normal. and it worked.
"i see!"
"good. now go play, ok? everything's ok."
off she went after a little squeeze around my waist.
why is she 6 going on 56? she's too aware.
i walk quietly into the other room.
"i can't do it."
"make lunch."
"that's fine, babe. i'll do it. baby is drifting off to sleep. i'll put her up & then finish up for you."
"i can't think of what else to give them."
"it's fine, babe. you're doing great. i'll finish."
i have a sudden surge i cannot control.
"thanks. can't you do it now? i can't think through it."
"you are a good mom."
he knows. he always knows when i'm going to blow.
"good moms can make lunch."
"not always. i'll finish."
he smiles and just nods his head.
he's the closer. he makes it better.
i fake smile because i cannot enter into a discussion about good moms.
i can recognize i'm not in a good place. the kids need some normal. so i walk into the room they're playing in and lay on the couch.
"is lunch ready?"
"nope. i decided to just come in here and watch my pretty girlies play."
red flag for her.
"is daddy making lunch?"
"he's going to finish. after he puts the baby upstairs."
"he'll finish up & i get to be in here with you 3. i'm always in the kitchen, right? this way i can be with you."
i close my eyes.
i'm pretty sure the second i did i fell asleep.
i hear the baby crying.
i slept through lunch.
i hear him finishing up dishes.
my knight in shining armor.
"you made lunch. thank you."
"i just made oatmeal."
"oatmeal! yes. why couldn't i think of that? what is my deal? i hate this! "
"it's not forever. "
"well, thanks for making lunch."
"it's not forever."
i let out a big sigh.
"it's not forever, kel."
how does he deal with me?

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