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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

.little black dress.

i should've known.
i woke up and felt off. figured it was because sweet girlie allowed maybe 4 hours only of sleep. broken sleep.
i looked in the mirror and was so ticked off that i don't look 21. did you know i used to be anoxeric? yeah. for some reason i have a desire to be uber thin again. (awesome timing, eh?) but now that i know i feel better when i eat and knowing i have enough issues i'm already passing on to the kids - can't do it. fighting that like crazy. so anyway i look in the mirror and was just super ticked. i'm down to 116 at 5'5", am 34 years old, have a 3 month old & i'm angry that i don't weigh 90 lbs. still didn't clue in.
i check email and there is one from the director of music camp. i need to bring a dessert for the reception friday night after the performance. i flip. only telling me monday for something on friday??? yep, should've clued in.
so then i'm like i need to exercise right NOW. so i do the 30 day shred while my 5 year old cries because she has a bladder infection, which i blame myself for and while my 2 year old draws with crayon on the walls.
i bathe and decide to put on self tanning lotion. bad idea. we have to leave in like 20 minutes to pick up the oldest from music camp. i still need to get dressed, do make-up, feed the baby... in 20 minutes. so then i'm yelling to myself about not having time to let this junk dry.
still didn't clue in.
then i go to the closet. i find nothing. which is weird since last night i set an outfit out. but i'm convinced it makes me look fat. so i put on a little black dress. to pick up my daughter from camp. at church. yeah, i'm stable... not.
then it clicks - something is wrong. like really wrong today. i'm off again.
i felt like a ticking time bomb.
i'm hating on myself about my weight - stupid. i'm eating right (less the poptarts today) and exercising. all in moderation.
but i felt so ANGRY as i was standing in the closet and clouded it was hard to think straight.
then i felt crampy. went to the bathroom - cycle started again. after just a couple days after it stopped.
OK. breathe. it's ok. you'll be ok.
you know what's coming. you're going to feel out of control and psycho. you have a way cute l.b.d. on. your hair looks great. you will at least look good while going down.
but my kids. oh my sweet girlies.
if only i could really help them understand. it's not you!!! momma's sick and trying so hard.
and i hate that this impacts them. hate it.
i ended up losing it later on.
hate it.
i hope my girlies never completely understand because if they do it means they have to walk through this.
fighting hard this afternoon. please, Lord, no more crazy rage mommy. she sucks.

*update: gah! burnt dinner a bit. hubby said he didn't notice. said i did a great job scrapping the burnt part off. love him. i just cannot think straight! everything feels clouded today. extra ticked because i think dinner would have been "A+" had i not burnt it. here is the recipe. i cut mine up and put it on top of a big pile of fresh spinach & cut up cucumbers. sprinkled a little mozz cheese & chopped up cilantro on top. and drizzled on some homemade honey-mustard dressing. burnt some of the fries i gave to hubby & kids. because making frozen fries is sooooo hard.
annnddddd... here is another update. a good one. a friend picking up her kid from camp came up & said i looked smokin' hot. holla! she also said she was off today - sweaty, racing mind, feels like people can look at her & just tell she's a hot mess. she has depression. girl has been walking thru some major heavy stuff for YEARS. man, do i ever respect her.
told her of my morning. it's so good to have friends who are a hot mess too & get it & don't judge.

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