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Thursday, July 26, 2012

.baby checker better check it before she wreck it.

so after the whole nursing/ bottle thing (read here) came the next 2 fun conversations.
***

in comes the baby checker. i have no clue what their real title is, but they are the ones who come in and check the baby before you get moved to your room. so baby checker is what i call them...
anyway, baby checker was supposed to bring in bottles said nurse hope.
"did you bring in the similac? hope said you would. girlie seems hungry."
"you're not nursing?"
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"no. did you bring in bottles like the nurse said you would?"
"no, i thought you were nursing? why don't you go ahead and try?"
good thing my talking like a sailor days are behind me or surely i would have made eddie murphy blush had i said what i thought. instead i had self-control.
"i am not nursing. i'm not going to try nursing. i want a bottle for my baby, so i can feed her. now."
"have you heard of..."
"may you please get my hungry baby a bottle like nurse hope said you would?"
"well! i will have to find some bottles later."
"she's hungry."
"are you sure you don't want to try to nurse?"
baby checker received a cold stare and i decided in my uber mature mind to never talk to her again.
but...

then she started packing up.
so, we had fun conversation #3 of the day.
"aren't you going to give her a bath?"
"no, we don't do that anymore until at least 24-48 hours after birth. we haven't give baths here right after birth for a very, very long time."
"i was here 2 years ago having a baby & you did."
"well, it's better for bonding not to and it helps keep their temperature up."
"but... she's covered in my urine."
"what?"
"she's covered in my urine & placenta & she still has bloody goop on her. when i kiss her it's kissing my pee."
"what? you want her to have a bath? don't you want to bond with her?"
no, baby checker, that's why i have children. so i can make sure i do not bond with them.
"i do want to bond with her. i didn't say that. she's just... covered in goop."
"do you not like holding your baby?"
i stare at baby checker & not wanting cps to knock on my hospital door...
"can you hand me my baby, so i can hold her while you go get her a bottle?"

thanks, baby checker. you made a new momma feel like the worst mother in history.  and ps, baby checker, i can love my daughter with all my heart & at the same time not dig kissing my own pee & blood. just fyi.

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