Tuesday, July 31, 2012

.ode to my man.

he rocks.
it's that simple.
i started melting big time on the phone with him today.
"hey, babe. whoa..."
"i love you. everything is going to be ok. even if it doesn't feel like it."
it's like sometimes he just knows exactly what to say.
affirming love even when i'm being loco - check.
reminding me everything is going to be ok - check.
letting me know he gets i don't think it's ok& not just brushing me off - check.
i have absolutely no idea how he rides the roll coaster of my emotions so well, but he does.
maybe that's why God gave us 4 girlies. you need to be a dude able to ride the wave of hormones to rock it when all 4 of them are teens.
there will be a year when they are 19, 18, 15 and 13.
that's for realz.
but anyway, back to my hot man.
i love him.
he's solid ground.
and even more awesome he is far & away the most hilarious person i've ever met.
thanks, ba, for loving me even when i'm not so lovable.

.little black dress.

i should've known.
i woke up and felt off. figured it was because sweet girlie allowed maybe 4 hours only of sleep. broken sleep.
i looked in the mirror and was so ticked off that i don't look 21. did you know i used to be anoxeric? yeah. for some reason i have a desire to be uber thin again. (awesome timing, eh?) but now that i know i feel better when i eat and knowing i have enough issues i'm already passing on to the kids - can't do it. fighting that like crazy. so anyway i look in the mirror and was just super ticked. i'm down to 116 at 5'5", am 34 years old, have a 3 month old & i'm angry that i don't weigh 90 lbs. still didn't clue in.
i check email and there is one from the director of music camp. i need to bring a dessert for the reception friday night after the performance. i flip. only telling me monday for something on friday??? yep, should've clued in.
so then i'm like i need to exercise right NOW. so i do the 30 day shred while my 5 year old cries because she has a bladder infection, which i blame myself for and while my 2 year old draws with crayon on the walls.
i bathe and decide to put on self tanning lotion. bad idea. we have to leave in like 20 minutes to pick up the oldest from music camp. i still need to get dressed, do make-up, feed the baby... in 20 minutes. so then i'm yelling to myself about not having time to let this junk dry.
still didn't clue in.
then i go to the closet. i find nothing. which is weird since last night i set an outfit out. but i'm convinced it makes me look fat. so i put on a little black dress. to pick up my daughter from camp. at church. yeah, i'm stable... not.
then it clicks - something is wrong. like really wrong today. i'm off again.
i felt like a ticking time bomb.
i'm hating on myself about my weight - stupid. i'm eating right (less the poptarts today) and exercising. all in moderation.
but i felt so ANGRY as i was standing in the closet and clouded it was hard to think straight.
then i felt crampy. went to the bathroom - cycle started again. after just a couple days after it stopped.
OK. breathe. it's ok. you'll be ok.
you know what's coming. you're going to feel out of control and psycho. you have a way cute l.b.d. on. your hair looks great. you will at least look good while going down.
but my kids. oh my sweet girlies.
if only i could really help them understand. it's not you!!! momma's sick and trying so hard.
and i hate that this impacts them. hate it.
i ended up losing it later on.
hate it.
i hope my girlies never completely understand because if they do it means they have to walk through this.
fighting hard this afternoon. please, Lord, no more crazy rage mommy. she sucks.

*update: gah! burnt dinner a bit. hubby said he didn't notice. said i did a great job scrapping the burnt part off. love him. i just cannot think straight! everything feels clouded today. extra ticked because i think dinner would have been "A+" had i not burnt it. here is the recipe. i cut mine up and put it on top of a big pile of fresh spinach & cut up cucumbers. sprinkled a little mozz cheese & chopped up cilantro on top. and drizzled on some homemade honey-mustard dressing. burnt some of the fries i gave to hubby & kids. because making frozen fries is sooooo hard.
annnddddd... here is another update. a good one. a friend picking up her kid from camp came up & said i looked smokin' hot. holla! she also said she was off today - sweaty, racing mind, feels like people can look at her & just tell she's a hot mess. she has depression. girl has been walking thru some major heavy stuff for YEARS. man, do i ever respect her.
told her of my morning. it's so good to have friends who are a hot mess too & get it & don't judge.


i made dinner last night. mexican lime soup - recipe here.
(my modifications - used all chicken broth & no water. added in 1 tsp cumin & used marojam in place of mexican oregano. added cilantro & baked tortilla chips to bowl when serving.)
it turned out delish. i can say that because everyone ate it all up.

something about me - i love to cook and bake.
i have been so frustrated that i haven't been able to do either at all much or when i try it's just pretty nasty.
it seems too overwhelming to even try most days.
i mean, i feed my family, of course.
but so often it's look! poptart lunch, girlies. which they love no doubt. 
or hey! check it out - breakfast for dinner. cereal.
and thank you, Lord, for the deli counter. deli sandwiches have been a dinner staple as well.
it has been humbling to go from making naan from scratch to not being able to even think through making a simple meal.
it makes me angry sometimes.
cooking and baking is something i do with my daughters. seems like just one more thing taken during this difficult season. 
they don't understand why mommy can't.
heck, mommy hardly understands why mommy can't.

as i began taking items out & placing them on the counter, my oldest beamed.
"that's a lot of stuff to cook with! and that's a whole lot of limes!"
"i know! maybe i need some help. what do you think?"
"hmmmm... where i can find a helper? "
"mommy! (laughing) right here! me!"
"oh, yeah! my favorite 6 year old."
"i'm glad you feel better this afternoon, mommy."
"me too, babes."

Monday, July 30, 2012

.and just like that.

cycle stopped yesterday (like you care) and this afternoon - i feel like a new person almost.
i don't want to die. i don't want to hide in bed. i want to sleep because the baby kept me up a lot last night, but it's different than wanting to hide in the dark.
what the heck???
i'm so thankful, BUT really?

dear meds, if you could please work all four weeks during the month i'd be so grateful.
it's fun to make me loco and all for a week suddenly, but i need to be functional every single day.
not happy go lucky, just really functional.
ok, thanks.

and now that i'm really functional again i'm going to rock dinner. no burning it. no missing half the ingredients even though i check and re-check the recipe 500 times while cooking.  i'm also going to play with my girlies and say screw it to all house work this afternoon. we have a new doll house up in here, ya know.
kiss it, ppd.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

.not so much.

i started zoloft 2 months ago.
noticed when my cycle starts & actually a few days before - it's like i'm not on anything at all.
i crash.
it's bad.
ob/gyn said i need to go to a psychologist to help me.
i thought zoloft was making it better & this would be behind me.
not so much.
i now have a 3 month old and am still a crazy lady.
i hate this.
i want to be better.
i have 4 kids to take care of.

.bathe much?.

so i woke up saturday morning and lay in bed thinking about the previous day.
friday wasn't sooo bad. i was def more normal.
rough start, but the day overall was good.
i made dinner.
a healthy dinner that i didn't burn or forget ingredients in making it taste like utter crap. thursday night's dinner was a sorry combo of burnt and missing ingredients.
ok, so what should have been a 20 minute to make meal took me an hour, but still.
i got out of bed.
today will be good. yesterday was pretty good, so today will be good.
i walked into the bathroom.
i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
my jaw dropped.
i was in my pj's from thursday night. it was saturday morning.
my shirt was different. i had to change it a few times friday because the baby spit up on it.
i stared at myself.
then i spoke to the girl with the vacant look wearing 2 day old clothes, "you have to fight. you are not fighting it."
she just stared back, but she heard.

saturday was the day i couldn't make lunch.
i made a crappy tasting dinner, but it was well balanced, so that has to count for something, right?
i did pull it together and give the older 3 a bath. and do their hair. and brush their teeth. and we sang, "if you're happy & you know it" for a long time. and i didn't get angry or cry.
it was pretty major.


i started blinking to fight the tears.
seriously??? i will not cry.
they have been through enough, i will not cry in front of them today.
i open the pantry for the 65th time in 2 minutes.
"do you need me to pick something, momma?"
"no, baby, you go play with your sisters. i'm just looking."  said with a fake smile hoping that it will make my voice sound happy.
i can feel her staring at me.
i cannot turn around & look, she'll see.
"i can help you, momma."
"i got it. look, see? i put cut up watermelon on the plates already & put crazins on top. they are like little seeds!"
when i'm not a hot mess i like to do funny food stuff. this was a very pathetic attempt to act normal. and it worked.
"i see!"
"good. now go play, ok? everything's ok."
off she went after a little squeeze around my waist.
why is she 6 going on 56? she's too aware.
i walk quietly into the other room.
"i can't do it."
"make lunch."
"that's fine, babe. i'll do it. baby is drifting off to sleep. i'll put her up & then finish up for you."
"i can't think of what else to give them."
"it's fine, babe. you're doing great. i'll finish."
i have a sudden surge i cannot control.
"thanks. can't you do it now? i can't think through it."
"you are a good mom."
he knows. he always knows when i'm going to blow.
"good moms can make lunch."
"not always. i'll finish."
he smiles and just nods his head.
he's the closer. he makes it better.
i fake smile because i cannot enter into a discussion about good moms.
i can recognize i'm not in a good place. the kids need some normal. so i walk into the room they're playing in and lay on the couch.
"is lunch ready?"
"nope. i decided to just come in here and watch my pretty girlies play."
red flag for her.
"is daddy making lunch?"
"he's going to finish. after he puts the baby upstairs."
"he'll finish up & i get to be in here with you 3. i'm always in the kitchen, right? this way i can be with you."
i close my eyes.
i'm pretty sure the second i did i fell asleep.
i hear the baby crying.
i slept through lunch.
i hear him finishing up dishes.
my knight in shining armor.
"you made lunch. thank you."
"i just made oatmeal."
"oatmeal! yes. why couldn't i think of that? what is my deal? i hate this! "
"it's not forever. "
"well, thanks for making lunch."
"it's not forever."
i let out a big sigh.
"it's not forever, kel."
how does he deal with me?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

.you're fine.

i had a weird episode after i had kid #2 while in the hospital.
this time it was way worse.
it was the night before we were released.
i started having a hard time breathing, was scared & freaking out.
felt like the walls were closing in on me.
i woke my husband who was asleep in the room on the couch.
i had ripped off my id bracelet & was yelling & crying about how it was too tight. he called the nurse's station right away.
nurse came in.
"you're not allowed to take that off!"
"i am freaking out. it's too tight! i need all these bracelets off me right now!!! please take them off. i feel claustrophobic. i need to get out of here now."
"i need to go ask the charge nurse what to do about your bracelet. it's how we id you with your baby. you're not allowed to take it off."
"what??? i know! i need to get out of here."
i then was sobbing about how i couldn't breathe and needed to get out of there. hubby had gone to get me some water thinking the nurse would help.
"i'm sorry, but you can't leave your baby alone."
because leaving her alone with a psycho mommy is better?????
good grief! when i had baby #2 they dealt with this much better. one nurse came & took the baby stat while another nurse gently got me into bed & made me take a sleeping pill. she told me everything would be ok. breathe. everything is ok.
this nurse told me i was fine & left to go ask the charge nurse about my id bracelet.
so there i was sobbing alone looking at my baby.
it made an impression that i personally think leads me to fighting hard  to make sure i "appear" fine.
when you're well aware you are going crazy & look & act crazy people will tell you that you're fine. a nurse even. at least if you appear fine you don't have to have conversations with people where they tell you that you're fine when you are really sick.
because when you know you're crazy - it's hard to feel like you need to convince people. especially when it's so consuming and dark and scary.

the nurse returned, good news! the charge nurse said she could tape it back on.
i sat there crying as she did. it felt so tight. even though in reality it wasn't.
she told me i was fine & nothing was wrong.
but something was very wrong and i could feel it.

.baby checker better check it before she wreck it.

so after the whole nursing/ bottle thing (read here) came the next 2 fun conversations.

in comes the baby checker. i have no clue what their real title is, but they are the ones who come in and check the baby before you get moved to your room. so baby checker is what i call them...
anyway, baby checker was supposed to bring in bottles said nurse hope.
"did you bring in the similac? hope said you would. girlie seems hungry."
"you're not nursing?"
"no. did you bring in bottles like the nurse said you would?"
"no, i thought you were nursing? why don't you go ahead and try?"
good thing my talking like a sailor days are behind me or surely i would have made eddie murphy blush had i said what i thought. instead i had self-control.
"i am not nursing. i'm not going to try nursing. i want a bottle for my baby, so i can feed her. now."
"have you heard of..."
"may you please get my hungry baby a bottle like nurse hope said you would?"
"well! i will have to find some bottles later."
"she's hungry."
"are you sure you don't want to try to nurse?"
baby checker received a cold stare and i decided in my uber mature mind to never talk to her again.

then she started packing up.
so, we had fun conversation #3 of the day.
"aren't you going to give her a bath?"
"no, we don't do that anymore until at least 24-48 hours after birth. we haven't give baths here right after birth for a very, very long time."
"i was here 2 years ago having a baby & you did."
"well, it's better for bonding not to and it helps keep their temperature up."
"but... she's covered in my urine."
"she's covered in my urine & placenta & she still has bloody goop on her. when i kiss her it's kissing my pee."
"what? you want her to have a bath? don't you want to bond with her?"
no, baby checker, that's why i have children. so i can make sure i do not bond with them.
"i do want to bond with her. i didn't say that. she's just... covered in goop."
"do you not like holding your baby?"
i stare at baby checker & not wanting cps to knock on my hospital door...
"can you hand me my baby, so i can hold her while you go get her a bottle?"

thanks, baby checker. you made a new momma feel like the worst mother in history.  and ps, baby checker, i can love my daughter with all my heart & at the same time not dig kissing my own pee & blood. just fyi.

.yo, can you just get me a bottle already.

labor & delivery were standard for a 4th baby. nothing crazy less my reaction to the epidural. nothing like that happened before, but all's well that ends well, right?
the nurse (her name was hope) was so sweet & supportive. she seriously rocked.
she told me to nurse.
"i'm not nursing. could you bring some similac bottles please?"
oh, hello mr. hyde. what's up?
girl changed on a dime.
"what do you mean you're not nursing?"
"i'm not nursing."
"why not? don't you know that's what is good for your baby?"
"for a number of reasons i'm not nursing."
"haven't you heard of the 'breast is best' campaign?"
"no." (said in a major snarky tone)
"oh, well it's a campaign..."
"i was being sarcastic. of course, i've heard of it. i'm not nursing. can you get me some bottles please?"
"you should really nurse. it's what's best for your baby. even one day of nursing can be the difference." yadda, yadda, yadda.
good freaking grief.
if this was my 1st baby i would've apologized, repented & nursed right then and there. but it wasn't my 1st baby - it was my 4th & women like this piss me off. a nurse being like this was sending me over the edge into angry land. i started feeling like the hulk.
"i said i'm not nursing. for our family bottle feeding is our choice. bottles are what is best for us. all our other 3 girls were bottled fed. can you please bring me some bottles please?"
"you didn't nurse any of your children?!? bottles are not what is best for your baby." yadda, yadda, yadda.
and with that she left.
oh, that was helpful. i feel like an awesome mom.
(insert all sorts of words i shouldn't use)

.it's real.

here is a pet peeve - people who don't believe ppd is real. gosh, that seriously just pisses me off.
and another, people who don't dig on me taking medication for it.
um, sorry, but last time i checked not a good idea for mommy to want to die while caring for 4 kids.
if there is something to help mommy not be completely off the hook all day - wouldn't that be a good idea?
they are the trial on top of the trial.

not sure why it gets me so much.
maybe because if they don't think i have pdd & they don't think i really need meds it means on any given day they think i am a lying psycho and that doesn't sit well with me. :)

ok, well, end rant.