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Sunday, October 7, 2012

.clawing.

it is dark.
confining.
i'm alone.
i can hear faintly that others are near.
i am frantically clawing my way toward them.
i am digging upward through the dirt to them.
i've been buried.
it is choking me down here.
i need light.
and air.
i want to feel the grass beneath my bare feet.
the breeze on my face.
instead there is dirt under my broken nails.
and i gasp for breath.
i can never seem to get to them.
i am not strong enough to dig some days.
other days i labor endlessly to get toward the light.
never succeeding, but often getting close.
only to have more dirt fall, more ground i need to gain.
i waffle between hot tears and an eerie numbness.

this is how i feel.
i'm clawing.
like a wild animal.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

.life of the party - confession.

saturday confession time, folks!


some days it seems i am well on my way to being better.
other days not so much.
trying to look for patterns, triggers.
well, we have a winner: GROUPS OF PEOPLE.
my 3 best friends & i drinking coffee & wine while munching on cheesecake is not too bad.
a party with 80 people is horrible.

we went to such a party last sunday.
we have not accepted invitations or we've backed out of those we accepted last minute since the muffin was born.
i have been "better" though lately, so i thought i was up for it.
a huge part of our "social circle" would be there.
that's safe, right?
wrong.
it included dinner.
i am super self conscious of my weight lately (yes, i am down to 110 at age 34 after baby #4 and am 5feet 5inches tall. yes, i know this means i have a potential "recurrence of anexoria".), so the thought of eating in front of people sparked anxiety.
"they will wonder why the fatty is eating so much."
our "social circle" includes a lot of peeps with kids older than ours.
soooo the ladies are not half dead looking because they get no sleep.
babies & ppd don't keep them awake.
i was well aware i looked extremely tired & extra pasty white.
why do i keep such beautiful friends?
i was making mental notes to find some fuddly looking friends.
and friends who don't know how to accessorize so well.
because i was feeling ugly.
feeling inadequate.
feeling everyone in the joint could tell what a crap mom & wife i am...
you know, the typical thought spiral.

hubby did a great job checking in with me all night.
i was hanging out in one of the sitting rooms.
talking, laughing.
i can fake it sometimes like a BOSS.
kept smiling & saying i was fine when the hot hubby asked.
while my insides exploded.
& my thoughts were making me madly spin.

then it happened.
my hands went numb.
my chest got tight.

"babe, i can't feel my fingers. we gotta go. like right now."
"babe, why didn't you say you were struggling? we would've left earlier!"
"you were having a good time. i didn't want to ruin yet another time."
"you don't ruin things."

i needed that. i don't ruin things. ppd DOES. i am not ppd. i am me.

and we left.
another anxiety attack in the middle of festiveness.
i need to help in my daughter's art class once a week starting this week for 7 weeks.
this seems like hell to me.
big groups of people.
i'm anxious.
what if this happens there?
i'm a mess about it.
but i want to say: ppd, you may knock me on my ass sometimes, but you will NOT win.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

.see saw margery daw.

the upside to a higher dose is that i (gasp) feel slightly sane sometimes. 
like, i kinda feel almost like myself.
i don't want to jinx it.
but there i said it.

the downside is the diarrhea.
sorry if that's tmi, but i'm about keeping it real here.
all da time kinda thing.
every time there's an increase i'm plagued by it for a couple weeks all day long. 
then it lessens to not all day.
last night it lead to throwing up.
for an hour.
into a trashcan because i was... yep.
having diarrhea at the same freaking time.
awful.
gross.

but if i feel slightly sane & can slightly function - WORTH IT.
i mean, today i took the kids outside.
by myself. 
and played red light green light.
and got the mail.
and wasn't in my pj's.
and my hair and teeth were BRUSHED.
and i had showered.
and had dinner in the oven.
and even had on some make-up.

people, this hasn't happened forevs.
seriously.
all that at the same time?
forevs.

so the see saw of side effects vs. the overall end product of taking it = worth it.

and because i'm a nut case i was thinking - hey! i'm losing weight this way, so at least that's a plus.

my dr was talking about how she is looking forward to me one day telling her i'm ready to wean off. i love her. 
the hot hubby told me he sees me getting s-l-o-w-l-y better. i love him.

ok, that's it. sorry for a post about my bodily functions, but ya know - i had no clue. ppd is just full of all sorts of fun surprises. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

.confession time.



kim over at all work and no play makes mommy go something something has a secret mommy-hood confession saturday category to her blog. i LOVE it. and i heart kim, so go to her blog. seriously.

i doing a confession. today is sunday, but it happened on a saturday & it's my blog, so here we go - saturday confession on a sunday.

yesterday in the middle of the birthday party i was hosting i took a nap. last minute cancellations due to sick kids, etc left me with a little too much time listening to the in-laws say 5 million times they wish we had a boy, it's so sad we don't have a boy. how could i not have had a boy. it's my fault in case you didn't know. saying this all to me. to my kids. it's so helpful. even more helpful is saying this to my mom. wtf?
so when it was time to put the baby down i ditched my coffee & cake, which was delish btw, and took her from my hot hubby's arms.
"wow, looks like she'll fight going down. i may be gone for a little while."
"what? she looks ready to fall asleep to me." he said with a confused look.
"um, no. not at all. she's too tired. you know, when babies are overly tired they have a hard time going down. it takes forevs."
& with that i rushed upstairs, so girlie wouldn't fall asleep right there and ruin my plan.
she's a doll though & let out a scream right before I got into my room. yeah, she knew what was up. she gets snuggle time & i get a nap. win-win.
i closed the gate at the top of the stairs, turned my fan on high & closed my door. i promptly fell asleep.
i must have been upstairs way too long because i heard the gate open (it ALWAYS wakes me up when it opens. hence closing it. my eyes would be open if hubby came to find me. terrible, i know.)
"babe, what are you doing??"
"she's almost fully asleep. i will be down soon."
"ok. wow. really? thought she'd be down long ago. were you asleep?"
"babe, did you just ask me if i actually fell asleep during your party? does that sound like me???"
he stared at me, winked & went down. it was never discussed again. he is a seasoned husband. seriously, i love him.
i took a few more minutes & came down.
finished my coffee & ate a little bit more of my cake. in the kitchen by myself. everyone was finished. score!

see, pre-ppd i wanted to do this kinda thing. now, in the trenches - i just do it. i was tired of the m-i-l, so i peaced out. and it felt good. and i am freaking doing this every time she is over from now on. i am trying to think how to do it next time we have to get to go to her house.

i took a nap during a joint birthday party i was hosting for my daughter's 3rd & hubby's birthdays.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

.suck.

was feeling a bit better. the hot hubby was right!
then today happened.
f u, ppd.
maybe pms is starting and it's impacting me?
regardless, it sucks.
i want to be better.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

.open letter.

dear neighbor across the circle,
we have only had one conversation.
in the conversation, when you found out i was expecting my fourth child you looked at me like i was crazy. i was tracking. you were rude, but i got it. i gave you a pass for your rudeness.
but then when you found out we homeschool you said it was time for dinner and you needed to go. it was 3 o'clock in the freaking afternoon. real smooth. so you dashed off with your 2 kids. the only freaking 2 kids near my kids' ages in the whole neighborhood. i heard you say "be quiet and just get in the house" when your son said, "it's not dinner time! you gave us snack right before we came outside."
you avoid me at all costs. won't wave. nothing.
you are RUDE.
you are judging me and think i'm crazy.
well, this open letter is to inform you that even in all my ppd glory - you win the crazy chick award.
that STUPID yellow cone that you put at the bottom of the circle that says, "slow - children playing", what the heck do you think that is going to help? we have insane teen drivers on our street. they cannot see your cone & are too self absorbed to care. and for the record, putting a cone outside and then letting your 4 year old and 2 year old run around in the street and ride bikes in the street while you are inside - well, it is parenting at its worst. you suck to do that. because, not only can people not see your stupid cone, your kids play up the street on the other side of the cone. thus, the cone is negated. but you don't know that because you are inside & not watching your children.
oh, and your kids running around outside naked - cute. i was talking on the phone on my front porch rocker & saw them. it took you at least 10 minutes to notice they were outside. um, yeah, mom fail. and that's not the only time, babe, i have seen that scene go down. ever heard of sex offenders or people who kidnap children? yes, i suffer from paranoia, but really - 2 naked little boys outside all alone who wander away from home... come on.
but last night, honey, you took the cake. outside in your SHORT robe with seemingly nadda underneath? taking the trash out, watering the flowers, putting the toys away... lady, i may homeschool & be nutty, but at least i ain't showing the neighbors my goods.
so, that is it.
judge away, you rude-goods showing-crappy parent neighbor.
love,
me
ps - yes, i watch over your kids when they are outside alone even though i think you are an ass.

Friday, September 7, 2012

.getting better?????.

there is a lot of backstory on this, but i'm going to skip it...
the hot husband told me he thinks i've seemed a little better in the past week.
wha??????
really?
do you have another wife i don't know about that you are speaking of?
no?
me?????
you think i'm doing better?
why? what makes you say that?

and he listed some things.
and i think i went into shock.
see, he was right.
things still suck and are hard. making dinner is just too freaking much for me some nights & sends me into a panic.
BUT, i went to target with zero problems the other night. in and out. got everything on my list.
and i started homeschooling 2 of our girls this week.
(yeah, we homeschool. no, i don't wear denim jumpers. yeah, it's a long story. no, i don't wear a bun with a head covering.)
and they are learning. and doing awesome. and i'm not freaking out about it. granted, the planning is all done - all i have to do is execute it, but still. oh and maybe i called the hot hubby while sobbing having a panic attack last week at the thought of homeschooling. but, this week, i didn't.
and i have all the clothes folded.

i still can't sleep at night. am anxious all.the.freaking.time. and i feel like i am going to truly hurl & panicking at the idea of taking my daughter for her 4 month check-up, which is over due.
and i could not take my older 2 to the dentist, i was flipping at the idea of leaving the house and the hot hubby had to take them. (seriously, the hot hubby is a SAINT.)

but there is some progress.
and the hot hubby sees it.
and this makes me HAPPY.

Friday, August 31, 2012

.my new business card.

no blogging for a while... and i'm not sure why.
i have so much to say and yet nothing at all.
i suppose that's the med adjustment?

i just feel... broken.

i  went to the grocery store today (side note: no freak outs in the store & it took me a normal amount of time plus just a little - major progress!!!)
ok, so i was standing there at that awkward moment where the bagger is bagging your stuff, you've put everything on the belt and the cashier wants to chat & i just could not hold a conversation.
"what are your weekend plans?"
"ummm....."
"do you have big labor day weekend plans?"
why is he so chipper?
"ummmm.... i'm... ummm.... going to be home."
"oh, going back home? sounds fun!"
"uh, no. just like my home?"
he just looked at me.
then he recovered.
"sure is hot, huh?"
"yep."
"was not as warm and now it is again."
"uh, yeah."
he stared again.
annnddddd then he recovered.
"so, you having a great day?"
"ummmm.... sure."
"me too!"
big smile on his face.

dude, i don't want to be forever labeled "PPD lady", but i wish i had a business card i could just hand to peeps that said something like:
hi. i have postpartum depression. it's hard to leave the house. it's hard to think. i'm barely functional. somedays i'm not even barely functional - i am flat out not. so, i cannot talk to you. it's not you, it's me. thanks for your understanding. 
because really, conversations with my nearest & dearest can be hard in my house. much less with a stranger at a store.

Friday, August 24, 2012

.photos & some rambling.

just so very... i don't know...  off this week. i guess feeling off is better than being completely despairing & afraid to make a dinner that involves knives because i think i'll go mental and slice myself, right?
progress.
not myself, but this is not new.
cannot sleep. baby has been asleep for an hour & i cannot sleep.
i'm BEYOND exhausted.
i'll be all bright & shiny at the in-law's tomorrow.
i can say this confidently - i just want my momma.
i've had a desire this week to call her, ask her to come over & make it all better.
i would except, well, i know she cannot make it all better.
what happened to those days when she could? sigh.

had a meeting with our pastor today. he asked the question, "is there anything that brings you happiness? any times that you are just in the moment happy?"
good question.
the honest answer - not much. not much at all. BUT there are 4 little people who at times break thru this darkness & fill my heart with complete joy. i love those moments and deeply treasure them.
i ordered some prints and they arrived today. i have absolutely no photos from june. that was the worst month. baby girl was born right at the end of april and by june i was a complete mess. awful, awful. it was memorial day weekend - saturday night - that i started a quick descent.
anyway, i ordered prints because i have tried to be good about taking photos of the girls' summer. as i have tried so hard to make good memories for them despite how i feel.
i want them to be able to look back at this summer & have happy memories. today as i made dinner while feeling like a shell of a human being i gave the older 3 spoons and informed them we were on a cooking show & those were their microphones. after a short bit i just couldn't keep up the fake happy for them anymore, so i handed over hosting duties. "because momma has to really focus on the cooking."
damn this depression. but over my dead body will it ruin every freaking day for my kids. they had a great day. the hot hubby was off and spent the morning with the bigs. and he was around all afternoon to cover for me when i was struggling.
THAT made me happy. hearing them chat away about their great day. ppd didn't completely win today.
seeing smiles in those photos and them making goofy faces made me happy.
seeing the photos of my little baby girl in her first days were bittersweet though. i was ok then.
obviously there was something lurking there that i didn't know of.
but i was truly enjoying her. her sisters. the hot hubby. my life.
and weird, there were some photos in may i took and even july that i just straight up don't remember.
photos of the little muffin that i have zero memory of taking.
i dressed her up cute and posed her on blankets.
but seriously, no memory. is that normal with ppd?
photos of the bigs that i don't remember taking.
so very weird.
in the weird i decided it was a good sign. even on some of the darkest days, i was trying.
trying to enjoy. trying to capture my baby to have memories of what she looked like.
oh, how much i have missed.

sweet little muffin, you are worth all this.
every second.
and one day when this is hopefully all just a memory - i hope you will know i tried to kick the ass of this depression everyday. some days i feel so weary and hopeless...
but you and your sisters and your daddy... you are why i fight.
i will not succumb to this darkness.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

.because momma feels like barfing.

why can't we go outside? it's so nice out!
because momma feels like barfing.

why are you letting us watch a movie so early today???
because momma feels like barfing.

is that the answer to everything today, momma?
yep. pretty much.


God bless the dr who finally is helping me with a medication adjustment. she doubled my zoloft Rx.
i forgot that for the 1st few weeks all i want to do is throw up & feel as though i have been hit by a truck. and i'm utterly exhausted. i guess i was in such a deep fog when i went on it for the 1st time i forgot all this.
well, here's to it working again.
and here's to a hubby who will have to deal with me. and who i know will do so patiently and lovingly. he needs a trophy, yo. 
and so do my kids. although i'm sure they will eat up the extra movie time. 


.oddly comforting.


Saturday, August 18, 2012

.not fair.

i feel so bad ass when i work out.
UNTIL i notice my freaking baby belly is still there.
blasted thing.
i'm 2 lbs lighter than i was when i got pregnant and still this thing plagues me.
i'm going to weigh 10 lbs and still have a belly baby.

.cat calls.

dear 19 & 20 year old boys in the car next to me earlier,
thanks so much that all 6 of you illegally packed into your smart car that clearly your dad bought found my beauty so amazing you could not control your comments.
"hey guys, look at her. i'd do her" said the boy in the front passenger seat as he pointed to me. his window down. my window down.
"yeah, she's a doable mom." said the driver.
"i'd hit it." said one the fine young gentlemen in the backseat.
yes, you noticed all FOUR kids in my car. the minivan. i hate minivans. we needed one. but still.
you then proceeded to make cat calls at me.
i am vain. i fully admit it.
BUT not that vain.
i mean, did you think i'd give you my number and say call me maybe?
this ain't the movie the graduate, yo.
and thanks that i needed to explain you guys to my daughters. 
i was able to use you as an illustration.
"you bring home a boy like that - we will disown you." kidding.
i hope you found better luck with the ladies in your age bracket.
just so you know, if i were 20 & you did that to me i'd flip you the bird and be making fun of you for ages with my friends.
seriously, just a thought - that may not attract the kind of girl you are looking for longterm. or at least i hope not. second thought, it probs will.
best of luck,
me - the hot mom

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

.rocking the random.

*to the lady in target who was screaming at the donuts because they didn't have the kind she wanted, i love you. your very loud yelling made me feel normal. i wanted to hug you as you had a meltdown solo in the aisle and tell you it would be ok. i need to apologize, however, for using you to make myself feel better about me. "at least i'm not full on crazy yelling at donuts in a store and not caring that people are staring." i'm sorry. does it help that i almost lost it when they were out of low fat yoplait raspberry yogurt? hope you find the donuts you are seeking in another store soon.

*i'm in olympic withdraw. i miss me some gymnastics.

*due to the muffin being officially our last baby i cannot bring myself to make her man up just yet in certain areas. i let her fall asleep in my arms all the time. if she's hungry i feed her and don't try to hold her off. she is still in our room sleeping due to major reflux issues. i don't see my letting her in her room for a couple extra months. sigh. i'm the oldest and said i would never ever treat my youngest different than my oldest. my baby brother was so babied. and here i am doing it. sorry, momma, for giving you a hard time in my teen angst ways. i get it now.

*we homeschool (more on that later). most homeschool mommas freak me out. confession - i think it is freaking boring to chat about it unless we are discussing some specific reason. it's like chatting about the weather just because. lame.

*i am obsessed with special k multi-grain crackers. go buy them & enjoy them. yummy.

*i don't like taylor swift's new single. it's a bummer. i enjoy channeling my inner teeny bopper, so i was disappointed i don't like it. guess it's back to "you belong with me".

.not awful.

yesterday was not awful! it wasn't great, but it was not awful. it was the best day i've had in a very long time. thank you, Lord! finally!
there were many things that happened that typically bring out rage. but no rage! sad when that's a good day. but, hey, i will take it!
but i realized it was a good day for me at nap time.
(yes, i nap. just about everyday. i'm freaking tired, yo. yes, my house needs dusting & vacuuming & bathrooms cleaned again. and no, i do not care. i'm freaking exhausted all the time. when i get extra exhausted - it's extra not pretty, so i nap. what?)
i nap when the big 3 girlies have nap/ quiet room time. this is also the baby's nap time. baby and i snuggle, she falls asleep & then i fall asleep. yesterday during our little routine i was feeling delighted as i held the muffin and watched her sleep. i was kissing that little sweet muffin forehead, inhaling her scent and listening to her rhythmic breathing and was enjoying it more than i can express.
i realized it was the first time in a very long while i felt an emotion in that way and didn't seem disconnected in some way from the moment. i was all in.
it was awesome.
and then it was over. i was back to that very odd disconnected feeling. not being fully in the moment.
for for those moments it was delightful.
and i'm so grateful it was with the muffin. i love her to pieces, but have not been able to enjoy her as much as i desire & as much as she deserves to be enjoyed by her momma.

Monday, August 13, 2012

.stay out of my bra, yo.

let me start by saying i support breast feeding. i think it's wonderful when women are able to & want to.
but, i do not support it if a woman does it because her husband or a dr want her & she feels bullied into it. i do not support it if a woman is doing it solely because she feels pressured into it by friends, family, nurses, etc. those situations do not produce a healthy momma emotionally & mentally. a momma's whole health is crucial to her child's well being. if you can and want to though - go ahead, girl!!!

BUT there are 2 things i have to get off my chest (pun intended).

#1 i don't want to see your nips in public. i don't want to be sitting in a fancy italian restaurant at my wedding rehearsal dinner sipping on my 4th glass of wine while chowing down on manicotti & have your nipple staring at me. (true story) your nipple is not meant for public meal times.  and i don't want to see your nipple when i'm on a hay ride to go pick blueberries. your 3 year old should not just lift your shirt and bra and help herself to a snack while you chat away with your friend and an old man stares with his mouth open because your daughter just leaves your bra and shirt up & you don't pull it down for almost five minutes because "she may still be hungry." (true story) you are not a self serve ice cream machine. at home, go topless for all i care. let the nips show in all their nursing glory. i'm just saying - put a cover over your goods in public or at the very least be discrete. and fyi - this does not hinder you from feeding your baby. don't give me that crap. to formula feed you need to find luke warm to warm water, find your bottle at the bottom of the diaper bag, fill a bottle with one hand, add formula with one hand & shake it up while holding a screaming hungry baby. both feeding options have their "things" about them.

#2 you are not a better mother because you breastfeed. you're just not. breastfeeding police, this is a special note to you.  drop the elitist act. it seriously pisses me off. our church has an infant care room. with my oldest i was actually told by a lady i couldn't go in because it was for nursing mother's only. insert all sorts of words you shouldn't say at church. anyway, it doesn't make you better. stop judging. and you online ladies hating on the bottle momma's saying we should ask for donated breast milk before poisoning our kiddos with formula - all i can say to you is - what the what? and big news flash - bottle feeding mommas love their babies just as much as breast feeding mommas. and it does not make  you selfish to not breast feed. on the contrary, it can be selfish to keep breastfeeding in cases (like if your little one would thrive on hypoallergenic formula, but you keep breastfeeding because it's "best" despite your little one losing & losing weight & having all sorts of problems.) each momma needs to do what is best for her & her baby. stop hating. no, really. stop. my meds are not working like they should and i'm likely to drop you like it's hot. kidding. no i'm not.

now, i know some awesome breastfeeding mommas who are so not falling into these categories. i love you & support you, ladies!
as a momma who has bottle fed all 4 kids for various reasons i'm not hurt by the judgements or feeling guilty anymore for not nursing. my girlies turned out awesome. my kindergartner reads at a 3rd grade level. so obviously the formula didn't hinder her smarts. i am angry at the judgements (like you cannot tell!) i am angry that mommas don't support one another. this momma stuff is hard. so hard. why don't we hold one another up instead of tearing one another down for our choices? the majority of us are doing the best we can. we love our kids with all we are. let's stay out of each other's bras.

ppd is not helped by others trying to guilt you or make you feel like you are not up to par as a mother. you are already well aware of your short coming. too aware. it's all you can think of at times. you can think you should kill yourself, so your kids can have a new & better momma some days. it's a dark place this ppd. with 1 in 8 women experiencing ppd to some degree - watch who you say what to. you may trigger something. mommas need support. breastfeed & bottlefeeding mommas alike.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

.pissy.

feels like my insides are jumping out of my skin. so irritable.
super sad days.
the hot hubby was quite concerned about me yesterday. bless his heart. he tries.
we went over this article and i let him know what i would say yes to. i think that doubled his concern. i'm grateful for his openness and being a place i can safely open up on how crazy i am & he doesn't judge or try to fix it. he just holds my hand and kisses my forehead. he asks what he can do. he says it's ok when i say i have no freaking idea. he then states things he will do.
i love him. so much.
i want to be better for him and my daughters.
i am trying, but everything seems endless. it's hard to have hope. i'm not sure i do most days.

Friday, August 10, 2012

.triggers & numbness.

at the wedding last night when i was trying my best to not have a total and complete meltdown - i noticed my foot/ toes went numb. it happened during what felt like complete panic setting in.
i googled it just now and saw that numbness like that is normal in a panic attack.
weird thing - one tip of a toe is still numb today on and off.
???
so now i'm convinced i have an anxiety disorder, ppd and will need my toe amputated.

and here is another thing - i've been trying to see what triggers anxiety. are there patterns, etc?
the answer is yes.
my children all freaking out at once.
being the only adult present.
making meals.
being where there are lots of people.
so basically, my life. awesomesauce.
that's helpful to know. because i don't feel guilty enough as is that i cannot do this.

.wedding.

it's a good thing a couple only gets married once.
because i was the worst wedding guest in history last night.
ok, maybe not in history.
and maybe that wedding i went to where i got smashed when i was 21 and kept... well... showing my... yeah. that was worse. yep, ok, so that when i was the worst wedding guest.
let's say last night was the worst in my 30's.
depression was there trying to take place of the hot hubby as my date.
the hot hubby got a call at like 10am yesterday - i cannot do today. i'm overwhelmed. no way i can go to a wedding. i'm a mess. i can't think of what to make for lunch. i'm so angry. i'm just so sad. and on and on.
he showed up way early from work. he saved the day.
i was able to pull it together.
or so i thought.
i was ANXIOUS.
i felt like my insides were trying to jump out of my skin as we drove there.
we got there and a friend who knows was the first face i saw. a little relief.
ok, so if the ship goes down i have a girlfriend who knows by the look on my face and she can whisk me away in the restroom or parking lot or something.
she told me i looked like audrey hepburn. go get a friend who says stuff like that to you. because then you can think - if the ship goes down at least i will look freaking fabulous.
then i realized i could not hold a conversation to save my life.
ugh. hate that.
and of course everyone was asking the same question - "how's the transition from 3 to 4 going?"
ugh. hate that too.
so i grabbed a beer.
and my line became "well, it's crazy and i'm crazy."
people laughed they thought i was witty.
ha. jokes on you, man. really. i'm crazy.
some people did't laugh though. they gave a nervous laugh and said they needed to go get another beer/ water/ go to the bathroom/ their great aunt just died/ etc, so they needed to go to the opposite side of the venue from me.
there was assigned dinner seating.
suck.
so, i'm sitting at this table with all these people i've never met before. except the hot hubby.
and it sucked. i just could not think of anything to say.
people would ask me a question and i just could not think. i'd smile & mumble something that made no sense.
tried to square dance & couldn't focus. (yeah, they had square dancing - how rad is that? how pissed am i that i missed out?)
all night i was a space cadet.
anxious.
confused.
ugh.
i was in a place with a hundred plus people & i felt alone. so lonely.
depression is the worst date. seriously.
worst. truly.
i could not enter into a sweet friend's happiness.
heck, i cannot even enter into my own happiness.

.blew out my flip flop, stepped on a poptart.

i haven't been able to figure out what is relaxing & helpful. i've tried quite a few things to no avail.
then this morning the hot hubby took the older 2 for most of the day. baby was screaming because she was tired & the 2 year old was a hot mess with her sisters being gone. it was a little much for this mommy who didn't get great sleep.
so i put them in the car.
put in a jimmy buffett's great hits cd.
turned the volume up.
opened the sun room.
put the windows down.
and drove into the country.
baby was asleep in minutes.
2 year old was on watch for cows & horses & barns.
with the promise of mcdonald's crap for lunch if she was joyful & not fussy - she was a doll.
and we drove.
i wore a cute sundress that is way too short (like if i even think of bending over -not even actually bending over -i'd moon ya) but way comfy.
so there it is.
jimmy buffett, the open road, blue skies, wind in my hair, cute dress & peaceful children.

the magic thing for me.
at least today it was.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

.a million times over.

little muffin,
to say you are worth this a million times over is an under statement. i love you with all i am. life without you is unthinkable. i'm not quite sure what we did before you came along with all your sweet muffin-ness. i love the way you smile at me. i love the way you hold my hand - your little hand wrapped around my thumb.  you help your momma in ways no one else can.
all my love always,
momma
xoxo

.little light on a dark day.

today is not good.
i'm just so sad. like my heart hurts. deep sad.
thanks, depression.
feel disconnected.
i'm in a fog.
i was just thinking - i have no freaking idea how my kids got fed today.
i worked out & it just made me tired. i don't believe in endorphins. i think it's a load of crap that jane fonda & olivia newton john made up to make us get physical and buy their dvd's & songs.
that or my endorphins are on vacation with my sanity & brain.
anyway, for some reason i thought i could handle how i was feeling just fine.
um, nope.
so friend #1 swings by with her teen daughter to borrow my ice cream maker attachment for the kitchen aid mixer & 2 ice cream cookbooks.
i forgot to give her one piece of the freaking ice cream attachment. there are 4 total pieces. i checked & rechecked to make sure i put everything in the bag. she emailed me when she got home.
then friend #2 swings by to pick up maternity clothes i'm loaning to her sis-in-law.
she looks at me when she walks in & right away, "why didn't you tell me you're crashing today?"
me: "what? no, i'm fine. really. just a hard day."
meanwhile the 3 bigs are rumbling with each other, pulling on me & yelling. the little muffin has a poop explosion & is screaming at the top of her lungs.
"kel, you.need.to.call.me. you are not alone in this."
the tears come.
to have a friend who won't let me b.s. her & tells me i'm not alone - priceless in that moment.
and her 2 year old son was blowing me kisses as they left. extra bonus. i want that kid as a son-in-law one day.
even better - she called a couple hours later. asking why i hadn't called & to remind me she's there.
she blew up my email with sweet notes.
it was a little light on a dark day.

.3 months - gone.

it was a crazy weekend. crazy!!!
the hot husband got snipped. yes, snipped
the thursday before my baby shower.
scheduling conflict much?
why did you have a baby shower for your 4th kid you ask?
am i some gift grubbing chick that people write to "ask amy" about?
reason - when you have 4 children of the same gender by kiddo #4 your stuff is rags.
and what isn't rags is stained.
and what isn't a stained rag is broken. 
and what isn't a broken, stained rag is ugly crap.
kidding. (no, i'm not.)
so anyway, because people love me & the muffin they decided to throw a shower.
amazing. so blessed. and totally felt the love.
but then the husband scheduled his snipping for that thursday.
ugh.
i knew a man cold was coming in a way i never had experienced before. 
and boy did it.
but that's another post.
another post that i will never write because the flash backs of changing "dressings" are too traumatic.
soooo... back to the shower.
i had to bring the 3 girlies with me.
when 8 months pregnant.
and on partial bed rest.
because everyone i knew was at the shower, so no one to watch the girlies.
it was nutty & wonderful & i ate like 25 of those chicken roll-up things from sam's club.
and 2 pieces of cake.
and brought extra cake home.
but i digress...
i was so overwhelmed at the love for the muffin & the generosity of my family & friends.
the little muffin got hooked up! 
cute clothes galore!!
i clearly remember how stinking excited i was to have a new girlie in my arms to munch on & smell & dress up. so excited to watch my 3 big girls love on the muffin & include her into their very special sister club. oh, the adventures i had planned for us 5 gals after the baby came & while daddy was at work... i had a clear vision in my head of what awesomeness lay ahead. 
***
last night at 11:30pm i realized we had no clean bibs. mom fail. extra bonus mom fail when your kid has major reflux & goes thru bibs like mommy goes through zoloft.
(lame joke - sorry.)
so i'm standing there throwing 5 pounds of bibs into the washer & realize i need to grab some more onesies to wash.
she goes through them equally as fast.
i then realize i need to grab the rest of the clothes i never took the tags off of. there is a box right outside the laundry room over flowing with clothes. they all have the tags on. a sweet reminder of the love of my family & friends & a shower that left me warm and fuzzy and stuffed full of goof food and so, so grateful.
"3 months" the tag reads.
i start clipping the tags off. "3 months." "3 months." "3 months."
the words are suddenly blurry.
hot tears stream down my face.
i've missed them. i've missed the first 3 months of her life. things are a blur. and not the i have a newborn & am freaking exhausted blur. no, i have experienced normal blur. this is so vastly different. this is so grievously different.
as i sit on the floor right outside the laundry room crying my heart physically aches. i feel robbed. 
i want it back. my girlie is almost 3 and a half months old and i'm missing it. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

.rocking the random.

*speedos = no. stop it. i had to turn off men's diving last night. i was was anxious watching it that a guy would do what poor greg louganis did. and i just couldn't take the speedos. gag me with a spoon, yo.
*we are supposed to attend a wedding thursday. i'm getting all sorts of crazy about how i'll look. too fat seems to be the answer. and too white. i'm pasty white. i burn and then it turns back to pasty white. thank you jargons natural glow. i heart you. but seriously, i'm struggling with anxiousness re: the wedding & i'm too white.
*i'm afraid i'm going to be andrea yates. when i first was diagnosed with ppd i didn't know anything about it. so i googled it. found postpartum progress. side note - that site is freaking amazing!!!! visit it here. i also found some stuff that freaked me out. anyway, in some of my more crazy lady moments i can think i have postpartum psychosis & will suddenly be andrea yates. i've maybe freaked out on the hot hubby about this yelling & crying that everyone will hate him like russell yates because of me. sigh. my sanity? sometimes it just straight up flies the coop.
* i'm over friends who have gone mia in this. today it's pissing me off rather than making me sad.
*i'm really glad bob costas doesn't have the same bad hair/ toupee dye job he did during the winter olympics. good job, buddy.
*yesterday afternoon & eve were actually ok! nothing major. i struggled thru making dinner, but overall it wasn't as bad as it has been. : ) holla!
*hardly anyone i know is in the know about this blog. i needed a space to let it out. i love the ppd blog community. so many inspiring ladies. is that weird of me?
*i couldn't go grocery shopping this week. too hard. i'm back to not wanting to leave the house ever. up & down. up & down.what a dollar coaster this is.
*i laugh every single time i think about dr. hairy sacks. no lie.
*i want to do a post about my faith & how this has impacted it, but it has not been flowing. i also want to do a post about what my husband does for a living & how that is impacting this, but that is not flowing either. probs because it's all intertwined & i haven't figured it out yet.
*i could snuggle the muffin all day.

Monday, August 6, 2012

.regression?.

ok, so is it just me or does ppd do something to you in that you want to use swear words all.the.time?
i used to talk like a sailor.
but haven't for almost a decade.
it doesn't come to mind anymore.
until i had the muffin & ppd.
what is up with that?
i drop the f bomb in my mind close to 5 million times a day.
not keen on the kids saying it, so i'm trying to keep it inside.
but really - is it just me?

*side note: not judging those who do swear all the time. not even close. just my personal decision not to anymore like 10 years ago. gosh, i'm freaking old when things are 10 years ago & you're not talking about being 12.

oh yeah, and i quit smoking like 10 years ago as well & guess what i want all.the.time now?
yep, give me a coors light & a marlboro light & i'd be one super happy chick.
except for the part where i'd hack up my dinner because i haven't smoked in so long.
that wouldn't be happy.
but you know what i mean.

.i'm not worthy.


the past couple of weeks have been bad. this morning was not so great.
a little before lunch time a folded up piece of paper was slipped into my hand.
a little kiss on my cheek. 
and she whispered, "this is a rainbow note. rainbows make everything better."
then she simply walked away.
i opened it up.  
DeaR MOMMY,
I LOVe YOU SO MUch.
I HOPe YOU FeeL BeDRR.
she knows all caps means you are for realz. she saves it for special notes.
but she knows you shouldn't use all caps - hence the mix. 
how did i get a daughter like this? i'm not worthy.

best part was - i was able to 100% honestly tell her that her rainbow note made mommy feel better.
her reaction was awesome - biggest smile ever.
i hate how this stinking ppd is rocking her world, but it's little moments like this that make it worth it.
i get to see glimpses of the person she is.
no one told her to write me a note.
she's going to be that kicking friend who makes her friends cry due to her thoughtfulness.
she sticks by you even when you're a mess.
she freely forgives.
my daughter is a freaking rockstar.  

.finding a dr.

so i finally got some good recommendations for a psychiatrist. overlapping names from different sources = a good thing.
BUT then i checked with our insurance. only 1 of them is covered.
so i googled her, obviously.
really bad reviews mixed with really awesome reviews. no in-between.
huh???
i was telling the hot hubby about it & he was quiet.
me: "you can say it."
him: "no way."
me:"it's ok."
him: "nope."
me: "really."
he was quiet again. so i said it, "what can i expect with fellow crazy people leaving reviews? catch me on a good day & i'd leaving a great review. catch me on a bad day... i'd totally rip the same doctor apart. so she could be amazing. then again, a bad dr is a bad dr. i don't think there's a way to know if it's the case of upset unstable people like myself pissed off at her or the case of a bad dr. "
him: "exactly."

so what to do? the complaints about her were not things i care about. it was stuff like she wants to get paid every single time you go in. ummm... so does my primary care dr & my ob/gyn. and things like she just gave me my medications after we talked & said i'd benefit from a therapist. ummmm... ?????  and the weirdest thing was some people complained she doesn't have a secretary, but other reviewers were like what are you talking about - yes she does. ?????????

yeah, so i don't know. anyone have experience in this? i personally just want her to help me figure out a med dose that will work.



Saturday, August 4, 2012

.diagnosis.

he walked in looking at my chart and talking at the same time.
"what brought you in here today? i see you are 4 only weeks postpartum. you're not in here for the 6 week check-up."
he looked up from my chart. he's not my normal doctor. i'm glad he's looking at my chart. i only have seen him once before. after baby #2. i had to come in at 2 weeks postpartum for a uterine infection. it was good times.when he sees my face his face softens and holds out his hand to me. he knows.
"i want to die."
he grabs my hand and gives it a tight squeeze.
"i want to die. i hate myself. i am a bad mom. my sister is a nurse and she told me to call last week because she thought she saw me going down hill. she said i have ppd. i told her that was total crap. i just had the baby blues. that was thursday."
i'm such an ugly crier. it's terrible. i'm sobbing uncontrolably. snot, mascara, powder foundation. running all over. i take a deep breath. he is such a good listener. i'm thinking it's ok to continue, but i'm not sure.
"then what happened?"
another deep breath.
"saturday we went to my mom's. my baby brother returned from deployment, so we had a family party for him. i felt off, but i thought it was the baby blues."
he just waits for me to continue. still holding my hand. 
"then saturday night very late i was up with the baby. suddenly the pain was too much - i wanted to die. right then. i didn't know if i was going to try to kill myself or what. i was freaked out and woke my husband. i told him not to let me have the baby and don't leave me alone.  it was a mess. i was a mess. i am a mess."
"and has it continued?"
"yes. i cry all the time, get so crazy angry like scary angry and i just want to die. i cannot take what a bad mom i am. anyone else would be a better mommy to my girls. i cannot bear it. they'd be so much better off without me"
i'm completely coming undone.
"first, you are a good mom..."
annnddddd then i was completely gone - over the edge.
"YOU DON'T EVEN FREAKING KNOW ME! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?! I AM NOT A GOOD MOM!!!"
i am full on screaming at this doctor i do not know. screaming in his office at him. i'm so mother freaking angry and enraged at him.
"sweetie, you are a good mom..."
"DO NOT SAY THAT AGAIN TO ME!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!! I AM A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!!"
head into hands. sobbing. 
"did you drive yourself here today?"
i look up. angry kel face is on.
"yes. why? you think i can't drive?!?"
"no, i just wanted to know if someone was here with you.you have postpartum depression. here's what we are going to do. you are going on zoloft and..."
"what if i don't want to?"
i'm a brat. the whole reason i showed up to the appointment was to get meds. i HATED how i was feeling.
"you do want to and you will. you have to. you are on a fast spiral down. too fast."
"i know."
head back in hands. sobbing. 
"it will be ok. i promise. you're doing great. you are here. that is great."
"i am not doing great. i'm going freaking crazy."
"honey, i had a girl in here a couple of days rocking in the corner. she didn't even talk. really, you are doing great. we caught this early. you do have postpartum depression, but you will beat it."

Friday, August 3, 2012

.hairy.

that was a bomb.
had my little muffin's weight check at 3 months today.
i forgot to grab the stroller from the swagger wagon before my mom took it to take the older 3 yesterday to her house.
suck.
i spent the entire morning anxious and crying and felt physically weak from it.
cannot lug the car seat all the way in to the dr. why is there no free valet for pediatrician offices?
seriously, someone should do something about that.
i had this horrible paranoia before the appointment that the dr was going to take the muffin from me if she found out i have ppd. i knew it was crazy talk, but those thoughts were freaking trying to pull me under earlier.
i hate when i'm fully well aware that my thoughts are crazy. it makes me feel extra crazy. make sense?
so like any normal person i put on a little black dress - i have a lot of them - and did my make-up
& hair. my thoughts were racing. "i cannot look like the stereotype of depressed mom. in mom jeans, no make-up, unbathed. no. i have to look too good for them to suspect."
because red eyes from bawling aren't a sign?
ok, so the point of all that is wasn't exactly stable momma going in today.
i decided to rock the baby sling. i have a moby & it's great, but i was afraid they'd take her cause I was wearing it wrong.
sigh.
she's happy. she's freshly bathed. cute sundress & sun hat. a nice lady with a little boy keeps telling me how cute the muffin is. small talk ensues. still paranoid & have a death grip on my baby, but so far so good.
we get called by the nurse.
we go back & the muffin screams. she will.not.stop.
the nurse asks if she can help. i snap no.
"are we having a rough day?" she asks cheerfully.
"oh, sorry. nope, it's great. i'm fine. we're fine. everything is ok."
i start shaking a bit. oh man. say something, kel. act freaking normal!
"i forgot to ask on the phone, which dr are we seeing today?"
"hairy sacks."
i stare for a brief second and then burst out laughing.
i'm suddenly a 6th grade boy. i cannot stop laughing.
is she joking? is this candid camera?
the nurse just stands there looking at me.
she is not laughing.
it doesn't matter. hairy sacks is the dr's name. how is she not laughing? i have no clue.
she leaves the room.
my paranoia is helped by all this.
no dude named hairy sacks is taking my baby from me. i decide i can take out someone by that name. there is a window that leads to the roof of the hospital next door. i'll beat down and escape with the little fussy muffin who is still screaming.
oh, kel. what kind of thoughts are those?
but still, i'm a but more calm.
the dr walks in.
it's not a dude, but a she. her name isn't hairy sacks. it's hari. (har-eye)
bummer.
for the muffin's 2 month appointment the hubby took her in. i was not able to leave the house that day. God bless my husband for dealing with me when i get like that.
so i have no idea what the weight check is all about. maybe her reflux???
"so, you don't know why you're here?"
"because the 2 month dr told my husband to make a 3 month weight check appointment."
"what were the dr's concerns?
don't you have a chart, lady????
"i don't know. like i said, my husband brought her to that appointment. is that information in her chart?"
the muffin is full on wailing at this point. i cannot multi-task these days at all. and i can only hear one thing at a time. i'm not able to focus at all. all i hear is the screaming baby in my arms.
the doctor then starts asking me a million questions that i just cannot comprehend. it's all too much, so i'm just plain old shutting down.
it's a mess.
worst conversation with a dr ever. i'm by this point convinced hairy sacks is going to take my muffin. i'm taking deep slow breaths. breath in for 4 counts. breath out for 4 counts. repeat. and all during this whack conversation the dr keeps asking why the baby is crying.
she's a baby, yo. they cry. plus, i had to wake her to come here.
the dr won't stop asking.
she keeps telling me to feed her.
"it's not time for her to eat. it'd be an hour early."
"how about some water?"
"water?"
"yes, she wants some water. i'll go get some."
isn't it a rule on the print out she just gave me - nothing but baby milk at this age? water?
she comes back in with a bottle of freezing cold water.
seriously??? i decide this dr is a quack.
"it's freezing!"
"give her some water."
i don't want to, but i do.
girlie freaks out even more. dr asks me 10 questions - are you holding the bottle at a good tilt? is her head up enough? why is she still crying? etc...
i am so not tracking with the conversation.
suddenly she hands me some mini-popsicle sticks & weird looking packets.
"what is this for?"
"the poop smears."
oh man. it's going to be painfully obvious i wasn't able to track.
"what? poor smears?"
"so we can tell if she has blood in her stool. you can drop them off or mail them in."
mail poop? i can mail you my daughter's poop?
reflux is so not bad anymore & she's gaining weight like a champ. why are we doing poop smears? i wish i knew what we were talking about for the last 5 minutes.
ugh.
then we begin to discuss an odd noise girlie makes when breathing at times.
i can't make out what the dr is saying above the screaming.
then suddenly she is talking about babies who sound much, much, much worse with this sound. what does this have to do with us?
"those babies' mothers typically have vaginal warts."
ok. great.
long pause.
"do you have vaginal warts?"
wha?????
omg.
"um, no, but thanks for asking."
get.me.out.of.here.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

.trapped.

feel like i'm trapped in my own head today.
anyone ever feel like this?
couldn't finish my 30 day shred - so overwhelmed with anxiety & thoughts.
had to stop.
first time ever.
what is happening to me?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

.remember.


i am trying to remember. as i listen to the thoughts in my head and try to shut them up tonight. i am so deeply trying to remember this.

.i'm shannon doherty.

yes, that was me crying today. in my husband's office. for no reason.
"i'm just soooo sad."
"what can i do for you, ba?"
"i don't know. i don't know what i need. how am i supposed to take care of these kids?"
he looks at  the kiddos. the older 3 are launching themselves off desks while the baby is screaming in the stroller & then stares at me for a moment.
"you might feel like a mess, but you look good."
love him.
***
yes, that was me crying on my porch this afternoon. for like the 100th time today.
the thoughts were coming at me like those freaking dodge balls in p.e. class back in the day.
and my response was pretty much the same - deer in headlights, frozen & thinking "this is [censored]."
"good moms don't need their kids to stay at their moms."
"you can't handle this - this is proof."
"you suck."
"anyone else would be a better mother to those girlies."
then my baby girl coo'ed at me. i looked down and sweet thing was beaming at me.
so oblivious to all that's going on around her.
tears streaming down my face we walked back in the house and sat on the couch.
girlie was full of smiles and sweet laughs for momma.
just what i needed.
i'm not a t.v. gal, but since it was too quiet (any other moms think it's too quiet when the kids aren't home?? you want that quiet so badly, but you get it and its too quiet?)  i put it on. nbc had women's volleyball on. um, no thanks. i needed a laugh. lifetime? no, what if they have some kids went to nana's and died in a car accident movie on? or kidnapped baby movie? or even worse a mom who has ppd and cps comes and takes her kids? no, lifetime could potentially piss me off or send me over the edge.
so i turned on soapnet.
beverly hills 90210 was on.
SCORE!
oh man, the brenda finds a lump serious episode.
extra score.
i so remember this one!
i had stopped crying and baby girl had zonked out in my arms.
brenda was yelling at her mom.
and it hit me. ppd makes me act like shannon doherty.
we all remember her fights with cast members. her meltdowns. her firing from the show. her public scenes. her self destruction. her poor fashion choices. her smeared mascara.
lovely.
thanks, pdd, now i am shannon doherty.

*editor note: i am not hating on shannon doherty, so no offense.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

.ode to my man.

he rocks.
it's that simple.
i started melting big time on the phone with him today.
"hey, babe. whoa..."
"what?!?"
"i love you. everything is going to be ok. even if it doesn't feel like it."
it's like sometimes he just knows exactly what to say.
affirming love even when i'm being loco - check.
reminding me everything is going to be ok - check.
letting me know he gets i don't think it's ok& not just brushing me off - check.
i have absolutely no idea how he rides the roll coaster of my emotions so well, but he does.
maybe that's why God gave us 4 girlies. you need to be a dude able to ride the wave of hormones to rock it when all 4 of them are teens.
there will be a year when they are 19, 18, 15 and 13.
that's for realz.
but anyway, back to my hot man.
i love him.
he's solid ground.
and even more awesome he is far & away the most hilarious person i've ever met.
thanks, ba, for loving me even when i'm not so lovable.

.little black dress.

i should've known.
i woke up and felt off. figured it was because sweet girlie allowed maybe 4 hours only of sleep. broken sleep.
i looked in the mirror and was so ticked off that i don't look 21. did you know i used to be anoxeric? yeah. for some reason i have a desire to be uber thin again. (awesome timing, eh?) but now that i know i feel better when i eat and knowing i have enough issues i'm already passing on to the kids - can't do it. fighting that like crazy. so anyway i look in the mirror and was just super ticked. i'm down to 116 at 5'5", am 34 years old, have a 3 month old & i'm angry that i don't weigh 90 lbs. still didn't clue in.
i check email and there is one from the director of music camp. i need to bring a dessert for the reception friday night after the performance. i flip. only telling me monday for something on friday??? yep, should've clued in.
so then i'm like i need to exercise right NOW. so i do the 30 day shred while my 5 year old cries because she has a bladder infection, which i blame myself for and while my 2 year old draws with crayon on the walls.
i bathe and decide to put on self tanning lotion. bad idea. we have to leave in like 20 minutes to pick up the oldest from music camp. i still need to get dressed, do make-up, feed the baby... in 20 minutes. so then i'm yelling to myself about not having time to let this junk dry.
still didn't clue in.
then i go to the closet. i find nothing. which is weird since last night i set an outfit out. but i'm convinced it makes me look fat. so i put on a little black dress. to pick up my daughter from camp. at church. yeah, i'm stable... not.
then it clicks - something is wrong. like really wrong today. i'm off again.
i felt like a ticking time bomb.
i'm hating on myself about my weight - stupid. i'm eating right (less the poptarts today) and exercising. all in moderation.
but i felt so ANGRY as i was standing in the closet and clouded it was hard to think straight.
then i felt crampy. went to the bathroom - cycle started again. after just a couple days after it stopped.
OK. breathe. it's ok. you'll be ok.
you know what's coming. you're going to feel out of control and psycho. you have a way cute l.b.d. on. your hair looks great. you will at least look good while going down.
but my kids. oh my sweet girlies.
if only i could really help them understand. it's not you!!! momma's sick and trying so hard.
and i hate that this impacts them. hate it.
i ended up losing it later on.
hate it.
i hope my girlies never completely understand because if they do it means they have to walk through this.
fighting hard this afternoon. please, Lord, no more crazy rage mommy. she sucks.

*update: gah! burnt dinner a bit. hubby said he didn't notice. said i did a great job scrapping the burnt part off. love him. i just cannot think straight! everything feels clouded today. extra ticked because i think dinner would have been "A+" had i not burnt it. here is the recipe. i cut mine up and put it on top of a big pile of fresh spinach & cut up cucumbers. sprinkled a little mozz cheese & chopped up cilantro on top. and drizzled on some homemade honey-mustard dressing. burnt some of the fries i gave to hubby & kids. because making frozen fries is sooooo hard.
annnddddd... here is another update. a good one. a friend picking up her kid from camp came up & said i looked smokin' hot. holla! she also said she was off today - sweaty, racing mind, feels like people can look at her & just tell she's a hot mess. she has depression. girl has been walking thru some major heavy stuff for YEARS. man, do i ever respect her.
told her of my morning. it's so good to have friends who are a hot mess too & get it & don't judge.

.limes.

i made dinner last night. mexican lime soup - recipe here.
(my modifications - used all chicken broth & no water. added in 1 tsp cumin & used marojam in place of mexican oregano. added cilantro & baked tortilla chips to bowl when serving.)
it turned out delish. i can say that because everyone ate it all up.

something about me - i love to cook and bake.
i have been so frustrated that i haven't been able to do either at all much or when i try it's just pretty nasty.
it seems too overwhelming to even try most days.
i mean, i feed my family, of course.
but so often it's look! poptart lunch, girlies. which they love no doubt. 
or hey! check it out - breakfast for dinner. cereal.
and thank you, Lord, for the deli counter. deli sandwiches have been a dinner staple as well.
it has been humbling to go from making naan from scratch to not being able to even think through making a simple meal.
it makes me angry sometimes.
cooking and baking is something i do with my daughters. seems like just one more thing taken during this difficult season. 
they don't understand why mommy can't.
heck, mommy hardly understands why mommy can't.

as i began taking items out & placing them on the counter, my oldest beamed.
"that's a lot of stuff to cook with! and that's a whole lot of limes!"
"i know! maybe i need some help. what do you think?"
"yes!!"
"hmmmm... where i can find a helper? "
"mommy! (laughing) right here! me!"
"oh, yeah! my favorite 6 year old."
"i'm glad you feel better this afternoon, mommy."
"me too, babes."

Monday, July 30, 2012

.and just like that.

cycle stopped yesterday (like you care) and this afternoon - i feel like a new person almost.
i don't want to die. i don't want to hide in bed. i want to sleep because the baby kept me up a lot last night, but it's different than wanting to hide in the dark.
what the heck???
i'm so thankful, BUT really?
ugh.

dear meds, if you could please work all four weeks during the month i'd be so grateful.
it's fun to make me loco and all for a week suddenly, but i need to be functional every single day.
not happy go lucky, just really functional.
ok, thanks.

and now that i'm really functional again i'm going to rock dinner. no burning it. no missing half the ingredients even though i check and re-check the recipe 500 times while cooking.  i'm also going to play with my girlies and say screw it to all house work this afternoon. we have a new doll house up in here, ya know.
kiss it, ppd.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

.not so much.

i started zoloft 2 months ago.
noticed when my cycle starts & actually a few days before - it's like i'm not on anything at all.
i crash.
it's bad.
ob/gyn said i need to go to a psychologist to help me.
ugh.
i thought zoloft was making it better & this would be behind me.
not so much.
i now have a 3 month old and am still a crazy lady.
i hate this.
i want to be better.
i have 4 kids to take care of.


.bathe much?.

so i woke up saturday morning and lay in bed thinking about the previous day.
friday wasn't sooo bad. i was def more normal.
rough start, but the day overall was good.
i made dinner.
a healthy dinner that i didn't burn or forget ingredients in making it taste like utter crap. thursday night's dinner was a sorry combo of burnt and missing ingredients.
ok, so what should have been a 20 minute to make meal took me an hour, but still.
i got out of bed.
today will be good. yesterday was pretty good, so today will be good.
i walked into the bathroom.
i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
my jaw dropped.
i was in my pj's from thursday night. it was saturday morning.
my shirt was different. i had to change it a few times friday because the baby spit up on it.
i stared at myself.
then i spoke to the girl with the vacant look wearing 2 day old clothes, "you have to fight. you are not fighting it."
she just stared back, but she heard.

saturday was the day i couldn't make lunch.
i made a crappy tasting dinner, but it was well balanced, so that has to count for something, right?
i did pull it together and give the older 3 a bath. and do their hair. and brush their teeth. and we sang, "if you're happy & you know it" for a long time. and i didn't get angry or cry.
it was pretty major.

.oatmeal.

i started blinking to fight the tears.
seriously??? i will not cry.
they have been through enough, i will not cry in front of them today.
i open the pantry for the 65th time in 2 minutes.
"do you need me to pick something, momma?"
"no, baby, you go play with your sisters. i'm just looking."  said with a fake smile hoping that it will make my voice sound happy.
i can feel her staring at me.
i cannot turn around & look, she'll see.
"i can help you, momma."
"i got it. look, see? i put cut up watermelon on the plates already & put crazins on top. they are like little seeds!"
when i'm not a hot mess i like to do funny food stuff. this was a very pathetic attempt to act normal. and it worked.
"i see!"
"good. now go play, ok? everything's ok."
off she went after a little squeeze around my waist.
why is she 6 going on 56? she's too aware.
i walk quietly into the other room.
"i can't do it."
"what?"
"make lunch."
"that's fine, babe. i'll do it. baby is drifting off to sleep. i'll put her up & then finish up for you."
"i can't think of what else to give them."
"it's fine, babe. you're doing great. i'll finish."
i have a sudden surge i cannot control.
"thanks. can't you do it now? i can't think through it."
"you are a good mom."
he knows. he always knows when i'm going to blow.
"good moms can make lunch."
"not always. i'll finish."
he smiles and just nods his head.
he's the closer. he makes it better.
i fake smile because i cannot enter into a discussion about good moms.
i can recognize i'm not in a good place. the kids need some normal. so i walk into the room they're playing in and lay on the couch.
"is lunch ready?"
"nope. i decided to just come in here and watch my pretty girlies play."
red flag for her.
"is daddy making lunch?"
"he's going to finish. after he puts the baby upstairs."
"oh."
"he'll finish up & i get to be in here with you 3. i'm always in the kitchen, right? this way i can be with you."
i close my eyes.
i'm pretty sure the second i did i fell asleep.
i hear the baby crying.
i slept through lunch.
i hear him finishing up dishes.
my knight in shining armor.
"you made lunch. thank you."
"i just made oatmeal."
"oatmeal! yes. why couldn't i think of that? what is my deal? i hate this! "
"it's not forever. "
"well, thanks for making lunch."
"it's not forever."
i let out a big sigh.
"it's not forever, kel."
how does he deal with me?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

.you're fine.

claustrophobia.
i had a weird episode after i had kid #2 while in the hospital.
this time it was way worse.
it was the night before we were released.
i started having a hard time breathing, was scared & freaking out.
felt like the walls were closing in on me.
i woke my husband who was asleep in the room on the couch.
i had ripped off my id bracelet & was yelling & crying about how it was too tight. he called the nurse's station right away.
nurse came in.
"you're not allowed to take that off!"
"i am freaking out. it's too tight! i need all these bracelets off me right now!!! please take them off. i feel claustrophobic. i need to get out of here now."
"i need to go ask the charge nurse what to do about your bracelet. it's how we id you with your baby. you're not allowed to take it off."
"what??? i know! i need to get out of here."
i then was sobbing about how i couldn't breathe and needed to get out of there. hubby had gone to get me some water thinking the nurse would help.
"i'm sorry, but you can't leave your baby alone."
because leaving her alone with a psycho mommy is better?????
good grief! when i had baby #2 they dealt with this much better. one nurse came & took the baby stat while another nurse gently got me into bed & made me take a sleeping pill. she told me everything would be ok. breathe. everything is ok.
this nurse told me i was fine & left to go ask the charge nurse about my id bracelet.
so there i was sobbing alone looking at my baby.
it made an impression that i personally think leads me to fighting hard  to make sure i "appear" fine.
when you're well aware you are going crazy & look & act crazy people will tell you that you're fine. a nurse even. at least if you appear fine you don't have to have conversations with people where they tell you that you're fine when you are really sick.
because when you know you're crazy - it's hard to feel like you need to convince people. especially when it's so consuming and dark and scary.

the nurse returned, good news! the charge nurse said she could tape it back on.
i sat there crying as she did. it felt so tight. even though in reality it wasn't.
she told me i was fine & nothing was wrong.
but something was very wrong and i could feel it.

.baby checker better check it before she wreck it.

so after the whole nursing/ bottle thing (read here) came the next 2 fun conversations.
***

in comes the baby checker. i have no clue what their real title is, but they are the ones who come in and check the baby before you get moved to your room. so baby checker is what i call them...
anyway, baby checker was supposed to bring in bottles said nurse hope.
"did you bring in the similac? hope said you would. girlie seems hungry."
"you're not nursing?"
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"no. did you bring in bottles like the nurse said you would?"
"no, i thought you were nursing? why don't you go ahead and try?"
good thing my talking like a sailor days are behind me or surely i would have made eddie murphy blush had i said what i thought. instead i had self-control.
"i am not nursing. i'm not going to try nursing. i want a bottle for my baby, so i can feed her. now."
"have you heard of..."
"may you please get my hungry baby a bottle like nurse hope said you would?"
"well! i will have to find some bottles later."
"she's hungry."
"are you sure you don't want to try to nurse?"
baby checker received a cold stare and i decided in my uber mature mind to never talk to her again.
but...

then she started packing up.
so, we had fun conversation #3 of the day.
"aren't you going to give her a bath?"
"no, we don't do that anymore until at least 24-48 hours after birth. we haven't give baths here right after birth for a very, very long time."
"i was here 2 years ago having a baby & you did."
"well, it's better for bonding not to and it helps keep their temperature up."
"but... she's covered in my urine."
"what?"
"she's covered in my urine & placenta & she still has bloody goop on her. when i kiss her it's kissing my pee."
"what? you want her to have a bath? don't you want to bond with her?"
no, baby checker, that's why i have children. so i can make sure i do not bond with them.
"i do want to bond with her. i didn't say that. she's just... covered in goop."
"do you not like holding your baby?"
i stare at baby checker & not wanting cps to knock on my hospital door...
"can you hand me my baby, so i can hold her while you go get her a bottle?"

thanks, baby checker. you made a new momma feel like the worst mother in history.  and ps, baby checker, i can love my daughter with all my heart & at the same time not dig kissing my own pee & blood. just fyi.

.yo, can you just get me a bottle already.

labor & delivery were standard for a 4th baby. nothing crazy less my reaction to the epidural. nothing like that happened before, but all's well that ends well, right?
the nurse (her name was hope) was so sweet & supportive. she seriously rocked.
UNTIL...
she told me to nurse.
"i'm not nursing. could you bring some similac bottles please?"
oh, hello mr. hyde. what's up?
girl changed on a dime.
"what do you mean you're not nursing?"
"i'm not nursing."
"why not? don't you know that's what is good for your baby?"
"for a number of reasons i'm not nursing."
"haven't you heard of the 'breast is best' campaign?"
"no." (said in a major snarky tone)
"oh, well it's a campaign..."
"i was being sarcastic. of course, i've heard of it. i'm not nursing. can you get me some bottles please?"
"you should really nurse. it's what's best for your baby. even one day of nursing can be the difference." yadda, yadda, yadda.
good freaking grief.
if this was my 1st baby i would've apologized, repented & nursed right then and there. but it wasn't my 1st baby - it was my 4th & women like this piss me off. a nurse being like this was sending me over the edge into angry land. i started feeling like the hulk.
"i said i'm not nursing. for our family bottle feeding is our choice. bottles are what is best for us. all our other 3 girls were bottled fed. can you please bring me some bottles please?"
"you didn't nurse any of your children?!? bottles are not what is best for your baby." yadda, yadda, yadda.
and with that she left.
oh, that was helpful. i feel like an awesome mom.
(insert all sorts of words i shouldn't use)

.it's real.

here is a pet peeve - people who don't believe ppd is real. gosh, that seriously just pisses me off.
and another, people who don't dig on me taking medication for it.
um, sorry, but last time i checked not a good idea for mommy to want to die while caring for 4 kids.
if there is something to help mommy not be completely off the hook all day - wouldn't that be a good idea?
they are the trial on top of the trial.

not sure why it gets me so much.
maybe because if they don't think i have pdd & they don't think i really need meds it means on any given day they think i am a lying psycho and that doesn't sit well with me. :)

ok, well, end rant.