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Sunday, October 7, 2012

.clawing.

it is dark.
confining.
i'm alone.
i can hear faintly that others are near.
i am frantically clawing my way toward them.
i am digging upward through the dirt to them.
i've been buried.
it is choking me down here.
i need light.
and air.
i want to feel the grass beneath my bare feet.
the breeze on my face.
instead there is dirt under my broken nails.
and i gasp for breath.
i can never seem to get to them.
i am not strong enough to dig some days.
other days i labor endlessly to get toward the light.
never succeeding, but often getting close.
only to have more dirt fall, more ground i need to gain.
i waffle between hot tears and an eerie numbness.

this is how i feel.
i'm clawing.
like a wild animal.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

.life of the party - confession.

saturday confession time, folks!


some days it seems i am well on my way to being better.
other days not so much.
trying to look for patterns, triggers.
well, we have a winner: GROUPS OF PEOPLE.
my 3 best friends & i drinking coffee & wine while munching on cheesecake is not too bad.
a party with 80 people is horrible.

we went to such a party last sunday.
we have not accepted invitations or we've backed out of those we accepted last minute since the muffin was born.
i have been "better" though lately, so i thought i was up for it.
a huge part of our "social circle" would be there.
that's safe, right?
wrong.
it included dinner.
i am super self conscious of my weight lately (yes, i am down to 110 at age 34 after baby #4 and am 5feet 5inches tall. yes, i know this means i have a potential "recurrence of anexoria".), so the thought of eating in front of people sparked anxiety.
"they will wonder why the fatty is eating so much."
our "social circle" includes a lot of peeps with kids older than ours.
soooo the ladies are not half dead looking because they get no sleep.
babies & ppd don't keep them awake.
i was well aware i looked extremely tired & extra pasty white.
why do i keep such beautiful friends?
i was making mental notes to find some fuddly looking friends.
and friends who don't know how to accessorize so well.
because i was feeling ugly.
feeling inadequate.
feeling everyone in the joint could tell what a crap mom & wife i am...
you know, the typical thought spiral.

hubby did a great job checking in with me all night.
i was hanging out in one of the sitting rooms.
talking, laughing.
i can fake it sometimes like a BOSS.
kept smiling & saying i was fine when the hot hubby asked.
while my insides exploded.
& my thoughts were making me madly spin.

then it happened.
my hands went numb.
my chest got tight.

"babe, i can't feel my fingers. we gotta go. like right now."
"babe, why didn't you say you were struggling? we would've left earlier!"
"you were having a good time. i didn't want to ruin yet another time."
"you don't ruin things."

i needed that. i don't ruin things. ppd DOES. i am not ppd. i am me.

and we left.
another anxiety attack in the middle of festiveness.
i need to help in my daughter's art class once a week starting this week for 7 weeks.
this seems like hell to me.
big groups of people.
i'm anxious.
what if this happens there?
i'm a mess about it.
but i want to say: ppd, you may knock me on my ass sometimes, but you will NOT win.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

.see saw margery daw.

the upside to a higher dose is that i (gasp) feel slightly sane sometimes. 
like, i kinda feel almost like myself.
i don't want to jinx it.
but there i said it.

the downside is the diarrhea.
sorry if that's tmi, but i'm about keeping it real here.
all da time kinda thing.
every time there's an increase i'm plagued by it for a couple weeks all day long. 
then it lessens to not all day.
last night it lead to throwing up.
for an hour.
into a trashcan because i was... yep.
having diarrhea at the same freaking time.
awful.
gross.

but if i feel slightly sane & can slightly function - WORTH IT.
i mean, today i took the kids outside.
by myself. 
and played red light green light.
and got the mail.
and wasn't in my pj's.
and my hair and teeth were BRUSHED.
and i had showered.
and had dinner in the oven.
and even had on some make-up.

people, this hasn't happened forevs.
seriously.
all that at the same time?
forevs.

so the see saw of side effects vs. the overall end product of taking it = worth it.

and because i'm a nut case i was thinking - hey! i'm losing weight this way, so at least that's a plus.

my dr was talking about how she is looking forward to me one day telling her i'm ready to wean off. i love her. 
the hot hubby told me he sees me getting s-l-o-w-l-y better. i love him.

ok, that's it. sorry for a post about my bodily functions, but ya know - i had no clue. ppd is just full of all sorts of fun surprises. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

.confession time.



kim over at all work and no play makes mommy go something something has a secret mommy-hood confession saturday category to her blog. i LOVE it. and i heart kim, so go to her blog. seriously.

i doing a confession. today is sunday, but it happened on a saturday & it's my blog, so here we go - saturday confession on a sunday.

yesterday in the middle of the birthday party i was hosting i took a nap. last minute cancellations due to sick kids, etc left me with a little too much time listening to the in-laws say 5 million times they wish we had a boy, it's so sad we don't have a boy. how could i not have had a boy. it's my fault in case you didn't know. saying this all to me. to my kids. it's so helpful. even more helpful is saying this to my mom. wtf?
so when it was time to put the baby down i ditched my coffee & cake, which was delish btw, and took her from my hot hubby's arms.
"wow, looks like she'll fight going down. i may be gone for a little while."
"what? she looks ready to fall asleep to me." he said with a confused look.
"um, no. not at all. she's too tired. you know, when babies are overly tired they have a hard time going down. it takes forevs."
& with that i rushed upstairs, so girlie wouldn't fall asleep right there and ruin my plan.
she's a doll though & let out a scream right before I got into my room. yeah, she knew what was up. she gets snuggle time & i get a nap. win-win.
i closed the gate at the top of the stairs, turned my fan on high & closed my door. i promptly fell asleep.
i must have been upstairs way too long because i heard the gate open (it ALWAYS wakes me up when it opens. hence closing it. my eyes would be open if hubby came to find me. terrible, i know.)
"babe, what are you doing??"
"she's almost fully asleep. i will be down soon."
"ok. wow. really? thought she'd be down long ago. were you asleep?"
"babe, did you just ask me if i actually fell asleep during your party? does that sound like me???"
he stared at me, winked & went down. it was never discussed again. he is a seasoned husband. seriously, i love him.
i took a few more minutes & came down.
finished my coffee & ate a little bit more of my cake. in the kitchen by myself. everyone was finished. score!

see, pre-ppd i wanted to do this kinda thing. now, in the trenches - i just do it. i was tired of the m-i-l, so i peaced out. and it felt good. and i am freaking doing this every time she is over from now on. i am trying to think how to do it next time we have to get to go to her house.

i took a nap during a joint birthday party i was hosting for my daughter's 3rd & hubby's birthdays.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

.suck.

was feeling a bit better. the hot hubby was right!
then today happened.
f u, ppd.
maybe pms is starting and it's impacting me?
regardless, it sucks.
i want to be better.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

.open letter.

dear neighbor across the circle,
we have only had one conversation.
in the conversation, when you found out i was expecting my fourth child you looked at me like i was crazy. i was tracking. you were rude, but i got it. i gave you a pass for your rudeness.
but then when you found out we homeschool you said it was time for dinner and you needed to go. it was 3 o'clock in the freaking afternoon. real smooth. so you dashed off with your 2 kids. the only freaking 2 kids near my kids' ages in the whole neighborhood. i heard you say "be quiet and just get in the house" when your son said, "it's not dinner time! you gave us snack right before we came outside."
you avoid me at all costs. won't wave. nothing.
you are RUDE.
you are judging me and think i'm crazy.
well, this open letter is to inform you that even in all my ppd glory - you win the crazy chick award.
that STUPID yellow cone that you put at the bottom of the circle that says, "slow - children playing", what the heck do you think that is going to help? we have insane teen drivers on our street. they cannot see your cone & are too self absorbed to care. and for the record, putting a cone outside and then letting your 4 year old and 2 year old run around in the street and ride bikes in the street while you are inside - well, it is parenting at its worst. you suck to do that. because, not only can people not see your stupid cone, your kids play up the street on the other side of the cone. thus, the cone is negated. but you don't know that because you are inside & not watching your children.
oh, and your kids running around outside naked - cute. i was talking on the phone on my front porch rocker & saw them. it took you at least 10 minutes to notice they were outside. um, yeah, mom fail. and that's not the only time, babe, i have seen that scene go down. ever heard of sex offenders or people who kidnap children? yes, i suffer from paranoia, but really - 2 naked little boys outside all alone who wander away from home... come on.
but last night, honey, you took the cake. outside in your SHORT robe with seemingly nadda underneath? taking the trash out, watering the flowers, putting the toys away... lady, i may homeschool & be nutty, but at least i ain't showing the neighbors my goods.
so, that is it.
judge away, you rude-goods showing-crappy parent neighbor.
love,
me
ps - yes, i watch over your kids when they are outside alone even though i think you are an ass.

Friday, September 7, 2012

.getting better?????.

there is a lot of backstory on this, but i'm going to skip it...
the hot husband told me he thinks i've seemed a little better in the past week.
wha??????
really?
do you have another wife i don't know about that you are speaking of?
no?
me?????
you think i'm doing better?
why? what makes you say that?

and he listed some things.
and i think i went into shock.
see, he was right.
things still suck and are hard. making dinner is just too freaking much for me some nights & sends me into a panic.
BUT, i went to target with zero problems the other night. in and out. got everything on my list.
and i started homeschooling 2 of our girls this week.
(yeah, we homeschool. no, i don't wear denim jumpers. yeah, it's a long story. no, i don't wear a bun with a head covering.)
and they are learning. and doing awesome. and i'm not freaking out about it. granted, the planning is all done - all i have to do is execute it, but still. oh and maybe i called the hot hubby while sobbing having a panic attack last week at the thought of homeschooling. but, this week, i didn't.
and i have all the clothes folded.

i still can't sleep at night. am anxious all.the.freaking.time. and i feel like i am going to truly hurl & panicking at the idea of taking my daughter for her 4 month check-up, which is over due.
and i could not take my older 2 to the dentist, i was flipping at the idea of leaving the house and the hot hubby had to take them. (seriously, the hot hubby is a SAINT.)

but there is some progress.
and the hot hubby sees it.
and this makes me HAPPY.